Children and Divorce
My husband recently left me for another woman. How can I help my children cope?
Note from Dr. Bill Maier: We've gotten an email this week that illustrates how unfaithfulness in marriage ripples into every part of the family. This is from a woman named Kathy who listens to Weekend Magazine in the Sacramento area of California:
Q. I recently became a single mother of three children under the age of 6 when my husband left us and moved in with another woman. This is especially difficult because this other woman had been a family friend. My daughters, ages 5 and 4, are very confused about what's going on because their Dad is lying to them and contradicting what I've told them about our separation and where he is living now.
My girls are very insecure, yet I don't think it's right for me to hide the truth from them. Worse yet, my husband has begun to miss visits and other events with my daughters. They respond with screaming tantrums and by lashing out. And they've confided to me that they have "a lousy Dad." What can I do to help them? And how do I bolster their self-esteem?
—Kathy
A. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation and the way your husband's actions are affecting your daughters. It's understandable that they would be confused and angry about what's happened.
By trying to hide the truth from your girls, you're simply compounding the problem. It's important to be honest with them about what's going on, using language that a 4- and 5-year-old can understand. You also need to resist the temptation to badmouth your husband and further alienate him from your daughters.
I suggest you sit down with your daughters and explain to them that mommy and daddy haven't been getting along, and now daddy has made some bad choices that are hurting the family. If they ask about the other woman, answer them honestly, and let them know that it makes you very sad that daddy has moved in with her.
Most importantly, reassure your daughters of your love for them and let them know that you understand how painful this situation is for them. Encourage them to express their feelings of sadness and anger, but don't allow them to engage in aggressive or destructive behavior.
I'd also encourage you to seek out a family therapist who can help your girls cope during this time of stress. Focus on the Family's Counseling Department can refer you to a licensed Christian counselor in your local area. To reach our counseling department by phone, call (719) 531-3400 ext. 2700 weekdays from 9:00 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. (MST).