Whose Child Is This?
I was in college at the time, and I will never forget the heartbreak of seeing her slip from our lives.
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When our second daughter, Ashley, was born she appeared very healthy. But shortly after we brought her home from the hospital, Ashley became very ill due to a rare protein allergy. Her condition steadily declined, and I felt like screaming at God that He could not have this child. I had already lost a sister. She was only 16 months old when she died during liver transplant surgery. I was in college at the time, and I will never forget the heartbreak of seeing her slip from our lives.
I knew Ashley was in trouble.
I could see her sweet rose color turning almost ash gray. It was no surprise when the intensive care doctor informed us that they would have to perform emergency surgery. He gently told us that the prognosis did not look promising, and he was not sure she would survive. He gave us five minutes to tell our sweet baby goodbye.
How do you tell a child goodbye? How do you hold an innocent life you have promised to care for and protect and tell her that you have to let her go? How does a mother let her dreams for her daughter’s future vanish — packing her backpack for her first day of kindergarten, cheering for her as she played sports, picking out a prom dress?
My tears soaked Ashley’s blanket. I told her to look at our picture, taken only weeks before, and know that we could always be together in our hearts. My husband and I placed our hands on her fragile body and prayed.
Soon our time was up, and my husband took me outside. He asked me, "Whose child is Ashley?" I told him she was ours. Gently, he cupped my face in his hands and told me that she was God’s child whom He’d entrusted to us for just a little while. If He chose to take her, we had to let Him.
Years before when my sister had died, I ran from God. I could not understand how a loving God could let such a terrible thing happen. I was in a different place now. I knew I loved God for who He was, not what He did or did not do. Whether this experience ended in celebration or sorrow, I determined to hold onto Jesus.
Psalm 126:5-6 reads, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him." The NIV Life Application Bible commentary says, "God’s ability to restore life is beyond our understanding. Forests burn down and are able to grow back. Broken bones heal. Even grief is not a permanent condition. Our tears can be seeds that will grow into a harvest of joy because God is able to bring good out of tragedy. When burdened by sorrow, know that your time of grief will end and that you will find joy."
Ashley survived the surgery. Now as I watch my healthy 7-year-old run and jump, squeal and giggle, I thank God for every day I have with her. I still miss my sister. I guess a part of me will always grieve losing her, but God has restored and healed my heart. When my family is together we still rejoice, and among the joyous sounds of love, she is there.
Lysa TerKeurst lives in North Carolina with her husband and three daughters, Hope, Ashley and Brooke.