Reflections on Death and Grief
Helping a friend through the grieving process
Two years ago, a close friend of mine, Trent, died unexpectedly in a plane crash. This time was difficult and depressing. A few people helped me through grief, while others seemed to say and do things that made me feel worse. All of them had good intentions, but until you've experienced loss, it's hard to know what to say and do for someone else in that situation. Here are tips to support someone you care about as she grieves.
The Power of Presence
If it's a close friend or family member, visit her. It meant so much to me to have people around, even if they were only there to hug me and cry with me. When you go, comfort her, listen to her and offer to help her with whatever she needs. My sister came over and cleaned my house while I sat on the couch crying. My mom bought groceries and helped me pay the bills and run errands. One friend sat with me for hours. She asked me to share memories of Trent. It helped to talk about him and remember good times. Many told me they'd pray for me, and that meant a lot. I knew that I needed prayer, and it made me feel loved that people were caring for me in this way.
If the person grieving is a casual friend or acquaintance and you don't feel comfortable visiting, definitely send a card or an e-mail. You can write, "I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm thinking of you and praying for you." Although I cried the day I went back to work to find encouraging cards on my desk from my co-workers.
The Power of Understanding
When people grieve, they often make decisions and do things they wouldn't normally do. Extend grace and forgiveness during this time. Understand that your friend might yell, cry, make poor choices or say mean things that she doesn't mean. When someone grieves, she often doesn't have as much control over her emotions. Even daily activities and annoyances seem overwhelming. Be forgiving, kind and nonjudgmental toward your friend. Understand that everyone grieves differently and that she might be OK one day and a wreck the next.
However, be mindful that your friend might need help if she starts using drugs, alcohol, sex or something else destructive to numb the pain. A high school friend who lost her mom started making poor choices with the guys she dated. Her friends felt uncomfortable confronting her. Later when she dealt with an unplanned pregnancy, I found out she desperately wanted help and attention and didn't know how to stop her progressively bad behavior. She told me that she wanted someone to confront her, but no one was willing to talk to her about it.
The Power of Kindness
If you don't know what to say, you don't have to say anything at all. You can just be there for your friend and listen. But here are things you shouldn't say or do:
- Don't talk disparagingly about the deceased. It's hurtful and offensive to the person grieving to hear anyone say something bad about her deceased loved one.
- Don't tell someone, "You'll get over it" or "You're still young" or "It was for the best." Even if you believe this is true, it will only hurt the grieving person to hear this.
- Don't give your friend a time limit. Be prepared even a year or two later, for times when she needs to talk, cry and have someone listen. Don't expect your friend to be "back to her old self" anytime soon.
Most important, treat your friend with love, kindness and compassion. When you tell her, "I'll pray for you," follow through. Set aside a consistent time to speak to your heavenly Father on her behalf, asking for the Holy Spirit to comfort your friend and give her understanding and peace in this difficult time. Ask the Lord to give you the right words and actions to help, and then help your friend.