Awful to Awesome: A Marriage Restored

A decade ago, Art and Lysa TerKeurst were on the brink of divorce. Since then their marriage has been transformed. How did their relationship go from awful to awesome? And what practical tips do they have for other couples experiencing marital difficulties?

"I went into marriage thinking of all I was going to get out of it, not of all that I had to give another person," Lysa admits. "To be honest, Art and I were very selfish in our approach to marriage."

Lysa soon found that past baggage, combined with the expectation that Art would somehow "fix" her, was a recipe for disaster. "I hungered and thirsted for a husband who would fill me completely," she says.

But that didn't happen, nor could it happen. Art and Lysa's marriage continued to disintegrate, even though they displayed the image that everything was fine on the home front.

How then did this marriage, marred by years of pain, mistrust and unmet expectations, turn around?

"We started praying together. That was huge," Lysa recalls. "When you're fighting human-to-human it's so easy to think of that person as your enemy, and that's not true. When we fought on that personal level, we were tearing each other down and not doing anything constructive for our marriage."

The couple noticed that, upon having a disagreement, coming together and praying changed their perspectives and put them on level ground, which enabled them to discuss issues without getting into arguments.

What advice does Lysa have for couples who are currently experiencing marital trouble? "Stop focusing on your spouse and start focusing on God," she says. "Take your pride and set it aside and go before the Lord.

"Say to God, 'I am not in control of this other person. I have tried everything and it's not working. I can't fix this other person. But what I do have control of is my own heart and how I act and react. So reveal these places in my heart where I need to get right with You and rebuild those places where I need to get right with You. Rebuild those places where I've fallen short and have been selfish, and where I haven't been the kind of wife or husband that I need to be."

Lysa began to see a change when her focus was on God, not Art.

"It goes back to letting God fill me and make me feel significant and realizing that no man could ever do that for me, not even my husband," she says.

Another problem in their relationship was expectations that went both unmentioned and unfulfilled. Lysa emphasizes having open and honest conversations about expectations, saying, "You cannot possibly meet the expectations of another person if you don't know what they are."

Clear communication is one key to a successful marriage, and Lysa is quick to point out that problems may arise due to the different approaches that most men and women have.

Whereas men tend to compartmentalize, dealing with one subject at a time, women have difficulty separating emotion from conversation. Lysa and Art have worked to acknowledge these differences, preventing many potential misunderstandings.

What are some other areas that Lysa recognizes may pose problems?

"A lot of women make the mistake of placing their children above their husband, and the children become more important. It's a good thing for a mom to have the desire to really love her children, but setting her husband aside is a great disservice to her family," she says.

God instituted marriage first, followed by children, Lysa says, and it's important to invest in your relationship with you husband or wife first, as opposed to allowing the children to define the family.

The most frequently cited marriage killer is the area of finances, and Lysa agrees that the "bigger, better" mentality places incredible stress on a marriage. Embracing simplicity and not living beyond your means are ways to prevent money from destroying a relationship.

Using personal experience as a way to help men and women better understand each other and give their marriages a fighting chance, Lysa has written two books that provide readers with practical, simple, everyday things to keep the romantic spark alive.

Capture His Heart is about becoming the godly wife your husband desires. "I wanted to help women peek inside the hearts of their husbands in order to better understand them. I teach women how to puff up their provider, how to let him know that you think he is incredible," she says.

And Capture Her Heart? "Same thing, just different desires," says Lysa. "A husband needs to better understand what makes a woman tick."

The TerKeursts provide hope to married couples everywhere, demonstrating that God can restore broken relationships and make them into something great.

"Maybe your marriage is in a low spot right now," Lysa says. "Maybe your marriage has never been that great. It doesn't matter where you start; what matters is that you set your sight on eternity. Don't give up. Marriage is too precious. Ride through the storms, clinging to the Lord, and remember that what matters is not how you start, but how you finish."

• Back to top
• Print this page
• Print this series
• Forward to a friend

Find out about...