Romance and Lifelong Intimacy

It is essential to cultivate a sense of romance if intimacy is to flourish in a marriage. But romance between a husband and wife is precarious. Like the flame of a lone candle burning in the wind, it can easily flicker and die. Your "flame" must be tended with the greatest of care — on Valentine's Day and every other day of the year.

"My Lover Is Mine and I Am His"

The word romance conjures up different images for each of us, and our expectations of what constitutes a romantic relationship also vary. Women are inclined to describe romance as the things their mate does to make them feel loved, protected, and respected. Wives, especially those married to busy husbands, crave the excitement of romantic encounters. They long for "some enchanted evening, across a crowded room." Flowers, compliments, nonsexual touching, and love notes are all steps in this direction. So is helping out at home. A man who shares in the duties of cooking, cleaning, and picking up the kids after basketball practice is much more likely to win the affection of his wife.

Men, on the other hand, rely more on their senses in the area of romance. They appreciate a wife who makes herself as attractive to him as possible. A man wants to be respected — and even better, admired — by his wife. He likes to hear his wife express genuine interest in his opinions, hobbies, and work.

Though romance can mean vastly different things to each of us, for most the word describes that wonderful feeling of being noticed, wanted, and pursued — of being at the very center of our lover's attention. Typically, most couples maintain this sense of romance throughout their courtship and at least through the newlywed phase of marriage. As the years go by and new duties and responsibilities pile on, however, that romantic feeling all too often begins to fade.

The Thrill of the Chase

Whether a few days, weeks, or months after the wedding, something begins to happen to "that lovin' feeling." A man and woman just seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails. It does not always occur, but too often it does.

Their plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels. Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms, and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter the Doldrums. The Doldrums was an area of the ocean near the equator characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean death for the entire crew. The ship's food and water supply would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting for a breeze to put them back on course.

Well, marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught in the romantic doldrums, causing a slow and painful death to the relationship. But it need not be so.

Recall for a moment the craziness of your dating days — the coy attitudes, the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we moved from courtship to marriage, most of us felt we should grow up and leave the game-playing behind. But we may not have matured as much as we'd like to think.

In some ways, our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristics of adolescent sexuality. Adults still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course, but they never fully disappear.

This could help you keep vitality in your marriage. When things have grown stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks. How about. . .

• breakfast in bed?
• a kiss in the rain?
• reading those old love letters together?
• a night at a bed and breakfast?
• roasting marshmallows by an open fire?
• cooking a meal together that you've never tried before?
• a long-stem rose and a love note?

There are dozens of ways to fill the sails with wind once more.

Even when finances are tight, just being together with your partner can rekindle that lovin' feeling. All that is needed is a little effort and creative flair. Talk with your mate; ask him or her what would bring new interest and excitement to your marriage. Then enjoy together your own unique brand of romance.

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