Understanding and Accepting Your Mate's Differences

The Gender Gap

My wife, Shirley, and I have been blessed with a wonderful relationship. She is literally my best friend, and I would rather spend an evening with her than with anyone else on earth. But we are also unique individuals and have struggled at times with our differences. Our most serious conflict has raged now for 27 years, with no solution in sight.

The problem is that we operate on entirely different internal heating mechanisms. I am very hot-blooded and prefer a Siberian climate if given a choice. Shirley has ice in her veins and even shivers in the spring sunshine. She has concluded that if we can have only one flesh between us, she's going to make it sweat! She will slip over to the thermostat at home and spin the dial to at least 85 degrees. All the bacteria in the house jump for joy and begin reproducing like crazy. In a few minutes, I am starting to glow and begin throwing open doors and windows to get relief. That ridiculous tug-of-war has been going on since our honeymoon and will continue till death do us part. In fact, there have been a few times when I thought death would surely part us over this difficulty.

What is interesting to me is how many other husbands and wives struggle with this problem. It also plagues bosses and their secretaries who fight over the office thermostat. Obviously, temperature is a common pressure point between men and women. Why? Because women typically operate at a lower rate of metabolism than men. It is only one of the countless physiological and emotional differences between the sexes.

It is important to understand some of the other ways men and women are unique if we hope to live together in harmony. Genesis tells us that the Creator made two sexes, not one, and that He designed each gender for a specific purpose. Take a good look at male and female anatomy and it becomes obvious that we were crafted to "fit" together. This is not only true in a sexual context but psychologically as well. Eve, being suited to his particular needs, was given to Adam as "help-meet." How unfortunate has been the recent effort to deny this uniqueness and homogenate the human family! It simply won't square with the facts.

We're Not Alike

Here is a quick rundown of a few differences between the genders:

1. Men and women differ in every cell of their bodies. This difference in the chromosome combination is the basic cause of development into either maleness or femaleness.
2. Woman has greater constitutional vitality, perhaps because of this chromosome difference. Normally, in the United States, she outlives man by three or four years.
3. The sexes differ in their basal metabolism—that of woman being normally lower than that of man.
4. They differ in skeletal structure, woman having a shorter head, broader face, chin less protruding, shorter legs and longer trunk. Boys' teeth last longer than do those of girls.
5. Women have a larger stomach, kidneys, liver and appendix, and smaller lungs.
6. In functions, women have several very important ones totally lacking in man—menstruation, pregnancy, lactation. All of these influence behavior and feelings. The same gland behaves differently in the two sexes--thus woman's thyroid is larger and more active; it enlarges during pregnancy but also during menstruation; it makes her more prone to goiter, provides resistance to cold, and is associated with the smooth skin, relatively hairless body, and thin layer of subcutaneous fat, which are important elements in the concept of personal beauty. It also contributes to emotional instability--she laughs and cries more easily.
7. Woman's blood contains more water and 20 percent fewer red cells. Since these supply oxygen to the body cells, she tires more easily and is more prone to faint. When the working day in British factories, under wartime conditions, was increased from 10 to 12 hours, accidents involving women increased 150 percent; involving men, not at all.
8. In brute strength, men are 50 percent above women.
9. Woman's heart beats more rapidly (80, vs. 72 for men); blood pressure (10 points lower than man) varies from minute to minute; but she has much less tendency to high blood pressure--at least until after the menopause.
10. Her vital capacity or breathing power is lower.
11. She stands high temperature better than does man; metabolism slows down less.

And Even More Differences

In addition to these physiological differences, the sexes are blessed with a vast array of unique emotional characteristics. It is a wise and dedicated husband who desires to understand his wife's psychological needs and then sets out to meet them.

Briefly stated, love is linked to self-esteem in women. For a man, romantic experiences with his wife are warm and enjoyable and memorable--but not necessary. For a woman, they are her lifeblood. Her confidence, her sexual response and her zest for living are often directly related to those tender moments when she feels deeply loved and appreciated by her man.

That is why flowers and candy and cards are more meaningful to her than to him. This is why she is continually trying to pull him out of the television set or the newspaper, and not vice versa. This is why the anniversary is critically important to her and why she never forgets it. That is why he had better not forget it! This need for romantic love is not some quirk or peculiarity of his wife, as some may think. This is the way women are made.

Men also need to understand that women tend to care more than they about the home and everything in it. Whether your wife or fiancee has a nest-building instinct or not, I don't know, but for years I have observed this feminine interest in the details of the family dwelling. Admittedly, not every woman keeps a neat house. I know some messy ladies whose mothers must have been frightened by garbage trucks when they were pregnant. But even in those cases, there is often a female concern for the house and what is in it. Husbands sometimes fail to comprehend the significance of this inclination.

Shirley and I recognized that we had differing perspectives a few years ago when we purchased a gas barbecue unit for use in our backyard. We hired a plumber to install the device and left for the day. When we returned, we both observed that the barbecue was mounted about eight inches too high. Shirley and I stood looking at the appliance, and our reactions were quite different.

I said, "Yes, it's true. The plumber made a mistake. The barbecue unit is a bit too high. By the way, what's for dinner tonight?"

Shirley reacted more emphatically. She said, "I don't think I can stand that thing sticking up in the air like that!"

I could have lived the rest of my life without ever thinking of the barbecue mounting again, but to Shirley it was a big deal. Why? Because we see the home differently. So we called the plumber and had him lower the unit about eight inches. I recommend not only that husbands try to accommodate their wives on matters like this that concern them, but that wives tune in to their husband's quirks and interests, too.

One masculine need comes to mind that wives should not fail to heed. It reflects what men want most in their homes. A survey was taken a few years ago to determine what men care about most and what they hope their wives will understand. The results were surprising. Men did not long for expensive furniture, well-equipped garages or a private study in which to work. What they wanted most was tranquility at home. Competition is so fierce in the workplace today, and the stresses of pleasing a boss and surviving professionally are so severe, that the home needs to be a haven to which a man can return. It is a smart woman who tries to make her home what her husband needs it to be.

Of course, many women are also working today, and their husbands are not the only ones in need of tranquility. This is a major problem in two-career families. It is even more difficult in the single-parent situation. I know no simple solution to those stress points, although I'm convinced that emotional instability and even physical illness can occur in the absence of a "safe place." Creating an environment at home to meet that need should be given priority, regardless of the family structure.

Well, so much for this short discourse on sexual distinctiveness. Not only have I attempted to say that males and females are different, which any bloke can see, but also that God authored those differences, and we should appreciate them. It is our uniqueness that gives freshness and vitality to a relationship. How boring it would be if the sexes were identical. How redundant it would have been for the Creator to put Adam to sleep and then fashion yet another man from his rib! No, He brought forth a woman and gave her to Adam. He put greater toughness and aggressiveness in the man and more softness and nurturance in the woman--and suited them to one another's needs. And in their relationship, He symbolized the mystical bond between the believer and Christ, Himself. What an incredible concept!

I say to you as husbands and wives, celebrate your uniqueness and learn to compromise when male and female individuality collides. Or as an unnamed Frenchman once said, "Vive la difference!" He must have been a happily married man.

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