A Balancing Act
Caring for an elderly or ailing parent can quickly sap your time and energy.
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Perhaps the greatest challenge in caring for an aging or ailing loved one, is maintaining balance in your life and in your home. In the process of caring for others, individuals often give up outside activities, neglect their health, and spend less time with their spouse and children. Caring for an elderly or ailing parent can quickly sap your time and energy. According to Focus on the Family’s Complete Guide to Caring for Aging Loved Ones, caregivers spend an average of 18 hours a week tending to their loved one.
“I took up running to relieve stress, said Karen Gates, who took care of her 85 year-old mother. It’s the moving that works it out in me.” LaVonne Neff went to daily mass to stay connected, though it was hard to care for herself and her family, work fulltime, and walk with two parents dying of Alzheimer’s disease. “I didn’t realize how much stress I’d been under until the year after my mom died.” LaVonne had an appendectomy, hysterectomy, and tonsillectomy – and then in recovery from her various operations, suffered from major depression.
Focus on the Family’s resource guide on aging suggests the following for self-care during this season:
- Determine the services in your area, and ask for the help you need.
- Make healing habits of prayer, meditating on the Bible, worship, and fellowship.
- Look ahead and include fun family activities in your schedule.
- Anticipate health concerns; keep nourishing snacks on hand, exercise consistently.
- Don’t major on the minors with family members (Save your steam for big problems.)
- Delegate household chores.
- Give yourself permission to enjoy hobbies. Take yourself out for a personal date.
- Don’t entertain “what-ifs” and “if-onlys’.” Say, “I’m doing the best I can.”
Those who’ve cared for their elderly parents also recommend talking through some of the most difficult issues with a Christian counselor. It can be helpful to have someone to vent to each week, and an individual outside of your family and friends to provide you with a different perspective.
“I’ve been blessed with a husband who became just as much of a caregiver to my mom as me,” said Karen Gates. “He got her up out of bed, made her lunch, sat and talked with her, cared for her in so many ways. We dropped out of our small groups, and didn’t do much of anything social during those years of caring for mom. The thought of getting out terrified her, so we were my mom’s social activity. The one thing Steve and I did for our marriage was to get up before her every Saturday morning and walk down to Starbucks and just sit and talk.”
Oftentimes your spouse will be a great source of emotional support, but conflict can arise even in the best marriages.
“Joyce is gracious and blessed with the gift of hospitality. So, when my mom first came to live with us, she caved into my mom’s bad eating habits. I had to intervene and say, ‘Mom, we’re not going to do it that way.’ The person whose parent is being cared for has to be the strong one. It’s also important that a husband and wife stay close and communicate closely. If you’re not of one mind regarding an elder’s care, it will make a difference in how you respond to one another.”
“If there is any weakness in the marital relationship, especially those weaknesses that have been running under the radar for years, it will be brought to the surface in this season,” said Dr. Robert Paul, co-president of The National Institute of Marriage.” “And if couples don’t address the weakness, their marriage can spin out of control. Don’t feel like you have to deal with everything on your own. Get help in walking through this season.
“Maintain, as much as possible, a commitment to develop your relationship with your spouse, and care for yourself during this period. Just like parenting young children, you can be overcome by the volume of need.”
Paul Robinson, whose in-laws are living with him and his wife Margie, suggests widening the circle of care. Paul cites his parents’ involvement in a church other than his and Margie’s as one of the greatest blessings for all involved. “We’ve learned so much about the biblical model of community and caring for people through those at Margie’s parents’ church, Bethany Chapel,” he said. “They’ve come around her parents in tangible ways and provide us with an outside source of support. Having a separate group of people involved in their lives is something that has given us life.”
Finally, we are not meant to walk alone through life’s challenges. Find help and supportive resources through your local church, community, and even online. And know you have a Savior walking every hour of every day with you. Jesus said, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden light” Matthew 11:28-30.