My Spouse Is Abusive
My husband has an anger problem that has escalated into verbal and physical abuse. What should I do?
Articles within this series
- Overview
- My Spouse Has An Addiction
- My Spouse Is Abusive
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: I'm in a torn situation with no idea where to go from here. I am 25 years old and have been married for five years to a man who is, overall, great. He's a wonderful provider, buys me anything I want, and always wants to see me happy. But I have suffered repeatedly from his verbal and physical abuse. He has an anger problem that he obviously picked up from his father, but he makes excuses and tries to sweep it under the rug. And no matter how nicely I try to talk about it with him, he always becomes very defensive.
My husband has hurt me physically four times; after the third time, I threatened to leave him if he hurt me again. The other day we had a bad argument and he pushed me down on something that bruised my back from the impact. At the time, I truly believed and trusted that he would stop this destructive behavior. And now I don't know what to do. My husband makes excuses and blames me for his problem. I feel hopeless and I know that I cannot keep living like this. What do you suggest I do?
A. I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. My advice would be to seek professional help immediately. As difficult as it may be to admit, you are a victim of domestic abuse, and your husband is a chronic abuser.
Without professional intervention, there is a good chance that things will only go downhill from here. Men who have abused their wives in the past are likely to abuse again, and next time you may suffer more serious injuries.
The first thing you need to do is break the silence on this issue. You need to let other people who know and love you know about the abuse. Talk to a female friend who you trust and let her know what's been going on. If you have a healthy relationship with your parents, I believe it would also be wise to tell them about yours husband's abusive behavior. You also need a safe place to go if your husband threatens to harm you again. That may be a friend's home or a local woman's shelter.
My colleague Dr. James Dobson addresses the issue of domestic abuse in his book Love Must Be Tough. He believes the best approach is to force a crisis that confronts the problem head-on. Only then can it be treated and resolved.
When you and your husband are both in a good mood, let him know that you have something important to discuss. Tell him that you love him very much, but that you are not going to allow him to abuse you any more. Tell him that you want him to get counseling for his anger problem immediately, and that unless he agrees, you are going to need to separate from him for a while.
Given his past behavior, it's likely that he will beg for your forgiveness and promise that he will never harm you again. As much as you may be tempted to believe him, don't. Set a deadline for him to start counseling and stick to your guns.
You also need to have a safety plan in place in the event that your husband responds negatively to this news. At the first sign of anger, leave the house and go to a prearranged place where you will be safe. Whether that's a friend's home or a shelter, it's a good idea to have some extra clothing and toiletries already there. If your husband threatens you as you leave, call 9-1-1 when you get to the safe place and file a police report.
It will take a great deal of personal courage to do these things, but they are essential. The most loving thing you can do for your husband is to take action to find help, both for yourself and for him.
At Focus on the Family we have a staff of licensed Christian counselors who can talk to you on the phone and give you additional advice. They can also refer you to a therapist in your community who has experience in dealing with domestic abuse. The number to call is 800-232-6459, and counselors are available weekdays between 9a.m. and 4:30p.m. Mountain Time.