Establishing Boundaries With a Controlling Relative
When my mom visits, she is very critical of my husband and me. What should I do?
Articles within this series
- Overview
- Handling Past Relationships
- Establishing Boundaries With a Controlling Relative
- Uninvited Relatives Dropping In
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: I am 34 years old and have three children. My mother has always interfered in my life. I don't enjoy her visits and I often find myself making excuses for her not to come. What happens is that my mom comes to "observe” how our family is doing, and she totally undermines the authority my husband and I have with our own children. After her visits, my mom will call with very critical comments about my husband and everything we're doing wrong. I disagree with what she says, and feel very hurt and angry by her comments. The problem is that my children love their grandma and still want to see her regularly. I don't know how to explain the problem to them. Please help.
A. Unfortunately, the people who are the closest to us have the most potential to hurt us. It sounds like your mom has been criticizing you and attempting to control you for years, and you have just about had it. My guess is that if we took a close look at your mom's own life story, there are reasons why she is so negative and controlling. Perhaps she was emotionally abused as a child, or she has experienced deep pain and disappointment in her life. As her daughter, it might be helpful for you to gain some insight into your mother's past, in order to develop some empathy and understanding for her.
But even though there may be valid reasons for her difficult disposition, she has no right to treat you with such disrespect. It's high time for you to start setting down firm boundaries in your relationship with her. This isn't going to be easy, and will involve a lot of strength and courage on your part. You will need every bit of your husband's support and encouragement.
I suggest you sit down with your mom when both of you are in a good mood, and discuss with her how things are going to be different in your relationship from this point forward. Let her know that you love her and appreciate her love for your children, but that her constant criticism of you hurts you deeply and that you are no longer going to accept it. Explain that unless she can make a genuine effort to change her attitude and behavior, she will no longer be welcome in your home. Given what you've told me, I'm guessing that your mother may react in anger, or she may play the martyr role and attempt to make you feel guilty for your words. Stand your ground and refuse to be manipulated.
As far as your children's access to their grandmother, that's a difficult decision that you and your husband are going to need to discuss thoroughly. While your kids may love their grandma, is it truly in their best interest to be spending a great amount of time with a woman who is so controlling and demeaning? As your kids get older, I think we can both predict that her criticism and negativity will begin to affect their self-esteem.
Unless your mother is willing to admit her faults and make some significant changes in her life, I believe you may want to consider limiting the number and length of her visits. Perhaps her desire to see her grandchildren will motivate her to examine her attitude and her behavior.
Let me recommend an excellent book on this topic which I think you will find very helpful. It's titled Boundaries: When to Say "Yes,” When to Say "No,” To Take Control of Your Own Life. The book is written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, two Christian psychologists who I greatly respect, and who have been guests on this program in the past.