Why Not Live Together?
We're both Christians and have good morals and values. What's wrong with living together?
Articles within this series
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: I heard you on Weekend Magazine talking about dating for a year before marriage and to not cohabitate. Why is this important if both persons are spiritual, have great faith in Jesus Christ, respect each other, have morals and values, etc.? Also, you said to participate in a structured marriage counseling session. I think this one is a very good idea. What other suggestions do you have for couples who plan to get married?
A. Thanks for your letter. As you mentioned, a few months ago I mentioned that many couples today believe that living together is a good way to find out if they are compatible — sort of a "test drive” that will improve their chances for marital success. While this seems to make sense, actually the opposite is true. The latest research indicates that couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50-80% higher divorce rate than those who don't. These couples also have higher rates of domestic violence and are more likely to be involved in sexual affairs. If a cohabiting couple gets pregnant, there is a high probability that the man will leave the relationship within tow years, resulting in a single mom raising a fatherless child.
As a Christian, it's important for you to know that God has some very specific things to say about sex outside of marriage. Sexuality is a marvelous gift that He has given us. But the Bible clearly tells us that it is to be expressed within the context of marriage. There are many scriptures that address this issue. One of them is found in the book of Thessalonians. It says: "It's God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God.” As I mentioned earlier, when we venture outside of God's design in this area, the consequences can be devastating.
I would encourage you and your boyfriend to remain sexually pure until marriage. If you are already living together, you need to know that God considers that a sin, and it's important that you ask His forgiveness and then take seriously what He tells us in His Word.
To answer the second part of your question, I believe that pre-marital counseling is vital for every couple who is thinking about getting married. One of the best programs I know is called "Prepare and Enrich,” and has an 80% success rate at predicting which couples will succeed, and which couples will be divorced within three years. [Ed. Note: Focus has partnered with the creators of Prepare and Enrich to offer a customized online relationship assessment tool called Couple Checkup with tracks for dating, engaged and married couples. You can find it online at www.family.org/couplecheckup.] I also believe it's critical to date for at least one full year before getting engaged. Many couples who are in love rush into things, sometimes with disastrous consequences. If you think about it, what is 52 weeks when you're planning to spend the rest of your lives together? Some people won't agree with me, but I also don't believe it's wise to get married until you're at least in your early 20s. The research shows that couples who wait until they are at least 23 have a much lower divorce rate than those who marry younger. Getting married at 18 may have worked for our parents or grandparents, but young people today live in a very different world, one with a divorce rate close to 60%.
I hope that's helpful. Also, a great book on this topic is Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts by Les and Leslie Parrott.
If you've got a question for me about relationships, marriage, parenting, or family life, write to me at weekend@family.org. I won't be able to respond to every e-mail personally, but you will get a response from someone here at Focus on the Family. Make sure you put "Ask Dr. Bill” in the subject line, and tell us the call letters of the station where you hear Weekend Magazine.