Addiction Recovery: What's Appropriate to Tell Our Kids?
My husband has a pornography addiction and we're getting help. Our kids are asking questions. What should we tell them?
Articles within this series
- Overview
- Addiction Recovery: Should We Get Married?
- Spouse Wants to View Pornography
- Addiction Recovery: What's Appropriate to Tell Our Kids?
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: My husband has a sexual addiction to Internet pornography. Thank God, we've both been involved in recovery for about four years, and our marriage is steadily growing stronger. But my question deals with how we should talk about this with our 11-year-old daughter and 9-year-old son. They've known that we've faced serious problems but they have no details, and they're starting to ask questions about all the meetings we go to. Some of the couples we've encountered in these recovery groups work very hard to keep their kids in the dark, but that seems like a form of denial to me. I feel our kids would be better served by telling them what they need to know in an appropriate way, rather than letting their imaginations run wild. My husband agrees that we should talk to the kids — but how much should we tell them? And how can we emphasize that God can turn ashes into something beautiful?
A. I appreciate your honesty and your desire to do the right thing with your kids. I agree with you about not keeping them in the dark about this issue in your marriage. However, given their ages, you'll need to handle the topic sensitively and not overload them with unnecessary details.
I'd suggest that you start by laying a foundation for a healthy, biblical view of sexuality. Some parents erroneously believe that sex education involves having "the talk” when their kids are about to enter puberty. In reality, we should begin talking to our kids about this subject when they are very young. Your children need to understand that God created humans in His image, male and female, and that men and women bring unique and complimentary qualities to sexuality and relationships. Let them know that our sexuality is a marvelous gift that God has given us, but that it can only find its true expression in a life-long committed marital relationship or in celibacy.
You should also let them know that Satan is the great deceiver, and that he does everything he can to twist and distort God's intent for sexuality. One of the ways Satan does this is by attempting to get us to view other people as sexual objects for our gratification, not as whole, valuable persons made in God's image. Your husband can explain that he began to believe these lies about sex several years ago, and that as a result he began to look at inappropriate pictures of women on the Internet. He can share that he has since repented for his actions and asked your forgiveness, and that you have forgiven him. You can then explain that the meeting you go to each week is for husbands and wives who are dealing with the same problem, and that God uses other people to hold us accountable for our behavior and overcome temptation.
By the way, in addition to the recovery group, I would encourage you and your husband to seek out a professional therapist who specializes in treating sexual addictions. Although recovery groups can offer great support, it's critical to tackle the underlying issues that led to the addiction in the first place. Also, let me recommend a great series of books that you can read with your kids that will help them develop an accurate biblical view of human sexuality. The series is called "God's Design for Sex" and is written by Stan and Brenna Jones and Carolyn Nystrom. Each booklet in the series is written for kids in a particular age range. You can learn more about the books in our online resource center or by calling us at (800) A-FAMILY.