What Should Kids Call Step-Parents?
My step-daughter started calling me Mom, and now her biological mother is angry. What's best for the kids in this situation?
Articles within this series
- Overview
- Should My Ex and I Remarry?
- What Should Kids Call Step-Parents?
- My Son Isn't Getting Along With My New Husband
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I got married this last November, but we dated for three and a half years prior to the wedding. We both had 3-year-olds who are now 6 and 7 years old. Recently, my step-daughter started calling me "Mom.” She also wrote things in her diary about "mommy and daddy are making dinner, mommy is reading,” and so on. We know about this because she showed the diary to my husband. A few days later, she took the diary to her mother's house and let her read it as well.
Well, that led to BIG problems! My husband's ex-wife called us, crying and mad because we hadn't told her anything about it. We explained we were as shocked as she was, especially since this little girl had struggled with the new family arrangements. My husband's ex wants her daughter to use my first name only, but I'd prefer she call me "step-mom” or by some other name. What complicates matters is that my son has started referring to my husband as "Dad” and now we're expecting a new baby ourselves! I guess we're all uncertain about what's best for the children. Do you have any advice?
A. Your e-mail demonstrates just how difficult and complicated stepfamily relationships can be. No matter how our culture tries to sugarcoat it, divorce and remarriage is very tough on kids.
I asked stepfamily expert Ron Deal about your situation. Ron believes that the labels children use often indicate the level of emotional attachment they feel with stepfamily members. A stepparent who started off being referred to as "Sara, my dad's wife” may become "mom” in a few years. Ron says that the labels children use aren't crucial to family success. What is important is that children are given the freedom to choose the labels with which they are most comfortable. In other words, don't force them to call a stepparent "mommy” but don't scold them for doing it either. A more affectionate label like "mommy” generally indicates that the child is growing more comfortable and trusting of the stepparent.
He goes on to explain that it's important to remember that labels can change with circumstances and as children grow. A child who just returned from a weekend visitation with dad may refrain from calling his stepfather "dad” for a few days because he is missing his biological father. Once the sadness wanes, the usual label typically returns. Another example is a child calling a stepparent "mom” unless their biological mom is physically in the room. A child may pull back in this situation and refer to the stepparent by their first name so they don't hurt the biological mom's feelings. Very young children often use loving terms like "daddy” and "mommy” very quickly, but may refrain that once they reach adolescence. The change in label demonstrates the challenge the child feels in deciding just how close to hold the stepparent and how to balance loyalties to biological parents.
Ron says that in an ideal situation, the children would be given permission to use whatever term they are comfortable with for their stepparent. Ultimately this permission must come from the biological parents. Since your step-daughter's biological mom fells threatened by her calling you "mommy,” she needs to be reassured that she can never be replaced in her daughter's heart, no matter what label she uses. Biological parents have an incomparable God-given bond with their children that cannot be replaced.
If your step-daughter's biological mom is unable or unwilling to give her permission to call you "mommy,” your husband needs to make sure that your daughter doesn't feel guilty about this. He should say something like, "Look, I know this puts you in a tight spot between your mom and your stepmother. Apparently your mom isn't comfortable with you calling Donna "mommy.” I know this is tough for you. Whatever you want to do is okay with Donna and me. The most important thing is that we love you, not what you call us.”
By the way, Ron has an excellent article about this issue on his Web site, successfulstepfamilies.com. It's titled "What to Call a Stepparent.”