How Will Divorce Affect My Child?
How will divorce affect my child?
Articles within this series
- Overview
- How Will Divorce Affect My Child?
- Reconciling a Broken Marriage
- How to Handle Marital Separation
- Falling Out of Love
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: In the middle of marital struggles with my husband, we became pregnant. Despite this, my husband announced that he's leaving me and wants a divorce. Since I am originally from Europe, I am considering a move back home rather than staying in this country where I have friends but no family. But I wonder if this is the best decision for my child. Is it better for children to know their father and possibly build a relationship with him? Or should we simply ask this man to leave our lives and not be involved with him at all? That's my preference, but what do children who grew up with divorced parents think about this?
A. My heart goes out to you in this very difficult situation. But I would encourage you not to give up hope. Because you are under such a great deal of stress, now is not the time for making major decisions. Give yourself some time and space to think through all of the alternatives available to you.
The research on divorce shows that if couples will slow down the process and seek outside professional help, many marriages can be saved. Although it may feel to you or your husband that divorce is the only option, in reality it's not.
You asked about the impact on your child. The research shows that children do better on every measure of well-being if they grow up in a home with a married mother and father. Even if a marriage is less than perfect, staying together is always better for your kids than getting a divorce. Many studies on adult children from divorced homes confirm this. The one exception would be if there is physical or emotional abuse occurring in the home.
Even if your husband has no desire to reconcile, if he is willing to take an active role in your child's life, I would encourage you not to move back to Europe. Fatherlessness has profoundly negative impacts on children, and your son needs his dad.
On the other hand, if your husband wants nothing to do with his child and refuses to take responsibility for him, moving back to Europe to live with your extended family could be the best option. A loving, involved grandfather or uncle can't replace your son's father, but can certainly give him the male attention and affirmation he so desperately needs.
What I would do is encourage you to contact our counseling department here at Focus on the Family by calling (800) 232-6459. You'll receive caring, godly advice form one of our licensed Christian therapists. They can also refer you to a Christian counselor in your local area. I pray that your husband will be willing to consider marital counseling, but even if he won't, you'll find the support of a caring therapist invaluable during this difficult time in your life.