Reconciling a Broken Marriage
My husband and I recently divorced. Is there anything I can do to reconcile this marriage?
Articles within this series
- Overview
- How Will Divorce Affect My Child?
- Reconciling a Broken Marriage
- How to Handle Marital Separation
- Falling Out of Love
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I are both Christians and know the right things to do, but we were still divorced recently. My husband is full of anger, hurt, pain, and bitterness, and he won't even consider counseling. I'm very concerned about our 3-year-old son and I pray every day that God will change my husband's heart. But I'm also wondering if you can give me some suggestions on positive things I can do to reconcile this marriage?
A. Unfortunately in situations like this there isn't a whole lot you can do. If your husband is angry, hurt, and bitter and won't consider counseling, your options are somewhat limited. The Bible tells us that God hates divorce, and clearly His will would be for the two of you to reconcile. But God also allows each of us free will, and at this point it seems obvious that your husband has no desire to continue the relationship.
You mention that you pray every day that God will change your husband's heart, but are you also praying that God will change your hear? Have you asked God to show you the areas in which you need to change, and how you contributed to the breakup?
I realize it may be difficult for you to hear, but when separation and divorce occurs it's common for each of the spouses to focus on the changes that the other spouse needs to make, rather than engaging in the honest self-evaluation that is necessary for true growth and healing.
One good place to start would be to join a therapy group led by a Christian counselor or a divorce recovery group at a local church. In a small-group setting where honesty, openness, and vulnerability are stressed, you will begin to see some of your own blind spots. You'll be exposed to personality characteristics and behavior patterns that others see, but that you may be unaware of.
The Bible refers to this as "iron sharpening iron." It can be a painful process as God "burns off” the rough edges of our heart, but if we're willing to stick with it, it can lead to tremendous growth and healing.
I'd suggest you contact the Focus on the Family counseling department at 800-232-6459 (weekdays between 9:00 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. Mountain Time). Ask them to provide you with the names of Christian counselors in your community. Then call some of these individuals and ask them if they can suggest a good therapy group or divorce recovery group in your area.
I'd also like to recommend an excellent book that you'll find helpful. It's called Safe People and was written by two Christian psychologists I respect, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can order it through most Christian bookstores or online booksellers.