How to Handle Marital Separation
My husband and I are separated while we work through issues in our marriage. How can we explain this to our son?
Articles within this series
- Overview
- How Will Divorce Affect My Child?
- Reconciling a Broken Marriage
- How to Handle Marital Separation
- Falling Out of Love
Q. Dear Dr. Bill: My husband and I are separated for the time being due to a difficulty in our relationship. We are in counseling and don't want to divorce. We feel this time apart is important right now because we're concerned that our constant fighting may have an impact on our 3-year-old son. Sometimes our son will spend the night at my husband's apartment in town — but how do we explain to him what is going on?
A. A 3-year-old doesn't have the capacity to understand concepts like marital separation. You will need to keep your explanations very concrete and simple. You should be completely honest with him about what is going on. You might say something like, "Honey, Daddy and I love each other but lately we have been having some arguments. We are trying to learn how to get along better with a special helper. While we do that we have decided that Daddy is going to live in a different house for a while.”
For a 3-year-old child, the most important thing you can do is make sure that he feels safe and loved. During this time of instability you will need to reassure him that mommy and daddy love him very much and that you will always be there for him. You and your husband should also do all you can to act appropriately toward each other when you are around him. Swallow your pride and put his needs ahead of your desire to criticize or snipe at each other.
I'm encouraged to hear that you have made a commitment to attend counseling together and work on your relationship. By the way, one of the most promising new forms of marital counseling is called "Emotionally Focused Therapy” or "EFT.” Many couples who have felt they were at the end of their rope have found hope and healing through EFT. You might ask your counselor if he or she is familiar with that form of therapy.
I would also encourage you to move back in together as soon as possible. Research shows that the longer you stay physically separated the higher your risk for divorce. I pray that you are able to work things out for the sake of your son.