Falling Out of Love
What advice do you have for someone who is considering divorce because ?there's no passion? in their relationship?
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Q. Dear Dr. Bill: I have a question about my son who's been married for two and a half years to a woman he lived with for several years prior to marriage. My son has recently asked for a divorce because he says there's no passion in their relationship. He also says that his wife depends on him for all her emotional needs, which he thought would change in marriage. Basically he is very unhappy and doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with this woman. I don't know how to help my son — he's resistant to counseling, and it looks like they're simply going to throw their marriage away. Do you have any suggestions for our family?
A. Thanks for writing. I appreciate the love and concern you have for your son and his wife. It's interesting that you mentioned that they lived together before marriage. Couples who cohabit before marriage have a 50-80% higher divorce rate than those who don't.
Unfortunately, the majority of divorces in this country are what psychologists call "low conflict” divorces. That means there are no huge fights, no domestic abuse, couples simply say they "fall out of love” and that their spouse is "no longer meeting their needs.” That view of marriage is extremely self-centered and individualistic. People who get divorced for these reasons don't understand that marriage is much more than getting your personal needs met. God created marriage to be a life-long commitment that involves self-sacrifice., forbearing with one another in love, and putting your spouse's needs above your own. I don't know if your son is a Christian, but it sounds like he doesn't see it that way. Sadly, there's probably nothing you can do that will change his mind. The fact that he's resistant to counseling indicates to me that he's unwilling to look at how HE has contributed to the marital problems. All you can really do is pray for him and speak the truth in love.
By the way, there's some interesting new research that you might want to share with your son. It shows that if people who are in unhappy marriages will just stick it out, a large percentage of them go on to describe their marriages as "very happy” five years later. On the other hand, folks who say they're in unhappy marriages and get divorced describe themselves as just as unhappy divorced as they were when they were married.
If your son does get to the point where he is willing to consider counseling, please encourage him to call our counseling department here at Focus on the Family (800-232-6459 weekdays between 9 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. Mountain Time). We have licensed Christian therapists who will offer him a free, confidential counseling session over the phone and then refer him to a marriage counselor in his local area.