Marital Tune-up
Are there habits that annoy or frustrate your mate, habits that may eventually undermine your marriage?
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them (Col. 3: 18-19 NIV).
Seven couples mingled in the warm, inviting living room of the couple hosting the twice-monthly meeting of a marriage fellowship group my husband Charles and I belong to. We chatted over coffee and dessert. Then everyone gathered in a circle for prayer and worship.
The leaders chose a topic that was both intriguing and challenging: Maintaining Intimacy in Marriage. I couldn't wait to find out what they had in mind. They opened by sharing an incident from their life where they had continually 'missed' each other's cues about what was needed, until the woman was in tears. But God came into the situation before the separation grew. He convicted Tom to sit down with his wife Nancy (not their real names) and pray about their difficulty.
During that time Tom realized that he had been neglecting his role as head of the household. He had been too caught up in his own interests, watching TV and then playing at the computer until after midnight, living as though he were single. The two talked about their area of conflict (how to make time for activities as a couple and as a family now that they have a baby). After much conversation and prayer, they worked out a schedule that provides private time for them and time to be with their young son together.
"After we finished praying and talking," said Tom, "I felt so much better. I saw how easy it is to lose intimacy in marriage and how easy it is to regain it if you're committed to doing so. And I saw that I needed to take more responsibility for building our marriage and our family life."
Perhaps you feel ready for a marital tune-up, especially if there are areas of disagreement or conflict. Following are some of the activities Tom and Nancy shared which helped them get back on track. They can work for you too. God will meet you where you are as he did us, and lead you into a new and blessed intimacy that can change your marriage.
- Choose a time and place to be alone without distraction. Begin with prayer. Ask God to search your hearts for any bitterness. Express those feelings and ask his forgiveness. Then together submit to His will for your marriage.
- Ask God to identify any aspects of your role as husband or wife that are displeasing to him. Feelings of despair, anger, hopelessness and frustration are cues that you are out of balance somewhere. For example, as a woman you may be emotionally cold toward your husband if he spends two or three nights a week playing racquet ball with his buddies. As a man you may resist helping your wife with car pools, disciplining the children, sharing meal preparation if you feel taken for granted or undervalued.
- Suggest an area of agreement you'd like to pursue with one another. For example, my husband loves to entertain. I see it as a lot of work — though I do enjoy being with friends. We agreed this year that we will invite one or two couples over for Sunday brunch after church every couple of months. I can live with that. Brunch is an easy meal to prepare and Sunday is a day of relaxation for most people. We had our first event a few weeks ago and it was a great success. Now I'm excited about the next one. But it would not have occurred if we hadn't sat down, talked about our differences in this area and worked out a plan we both agreed on.
- Together, make a list of specific actions you can take to restore/maintain intimacy on a daily basis. One couple shared what they do. The husband brings his wife a cup of her favorite tea each morning before she gets up. He warms the bathroom and turns on the shower so she can go from bed to bath without getting chilled! How nice. Another couple pray together at the end of each day. They claim that when they pray out loud as husband and wife they cannot hold grudges. The Holy Spirit keeps their hearts soft and their minds open to His truth.
- Identify any negative life patterns that may be emerging, such as watching television mindlessly five or six nights a week, eating dinner at different times, taking up a hobby or sport that impacts family time and finances in a detrimental way. What positive life patterns can you replace them with? For example, you could choose a sport or hobby that appeals to both of you. You might decide to go away together for a weekend once each quarter. The Fosters have been married nearly 40 years. From the beginning, they have set aside Friday night as date night. Ellen told me that this simple, but consistent activity throughout the years has done more for their marital intimacy than anything else.
"We focus on each other," she said. "I notice that all week long I look forward to my 'date' with Dan and he told me he feels the same way."
Remind yourself each day, "Intimacy begins with me. What can I do today to please my spouse and communicate my love?"
Karen O'Connor is an award-winning author of 46 books and a popular speaker at women's events and retreats. You can reach Karen through her web sitewww.karenoconnor.com*.
*(Note: Referrals to Web sites not produced by Focus on the Family are for informational purposes only and do not necessarily constitute an endorsement of the sites' content.)