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Our babysitter, Alison, is 18 and finally has her driver’s license. She has been waiting for this day –– and so has her mother. Mom can now send Alison to the store for groceries or to the school to pick up her younger brother.
Many parents wait for the day when their children, like Alison, become more responsible and independent. However, there are many hurdles to jump before we can send our kids off to the store for groceries.
On the road to independence, most parents develop expectations for their child’s behavior or level of responsibility based on their child’s age. It makes sense that a child’s age will be one of the first factors that parents consider. (We can’t expect a 1-year-old to fold laundry.)
But parents must also keep in mind three other important factors when building expectations for children’s behavior (see Rules That Work), level of responsibility (see Expectations for Household Chores) and independence (see Expectations for Playtime). These factors are:
- Temperament: Some children are easygoing and flexible while others have a hard time adjusting to new circumstances or accepting new responsibilities. Modify your expectations to meet your child’s unique nature.
- Abilities: Some kids will have no problem carefully setting the dinner table while others may easily drop fragile dishes. Let your child’s natural abilities be your guide. Children with physical or mental disabilities may need you to adjust your expectations.
- Environment: Gentle coaxing and praise from family members can build confidence in children and encourage them to accept more responsibility. Older siblings can act as role models, leading younger children to desire more independence at an earlier age.
Rules That Work
Parents make rules as a way to teach their children to do what’s right. But many parents are tired of making rules just to see them broken. Following these guidelines can help you develop rules that work:
- Rules should be limited. Children have a hard time following numerous rules. Make rules for the three behaviors you most often need to discipline. Once your child can follow these rules well, select new behaviors to focus on.
- Rules should be clear. Children often don’t follow rules because they’re not sure what they are or they don’t understand them. Be specific about what you expect. For example, “No friends in the house until 5 p.m.”
- Rules should be posted. Both parents and children can forget rules. Write them down and post them in a visible location (on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror).
- Rules should be enforced. Once children know what the rules are, they must also know what the penalty is for not following them. Post consequences alongside the rules. Be consistent in enforcing the consequences (see Age-Appropriate Discipline).