Expectations for Behavior
Parents must keep three factors in mind as they develop expectations for their child’s behavior.
Articles within this series
- Overview
- Expectations for Chores and Playtime
- Expectations for Behavior
- Expectations Regarding Temperament
- Next Steps / Related Information
Teaching Your Child to Do What’s Right
My son, Luke, is 18 months old. Today he slapped me — hard! This wasn’t the first time either. I immediately told him, “That hurt Mommy.” He grabbed me and said, “Hug, hug.” This was his way of trying to comfort me. He then asked for a crayon as if nothing had happened.
After Luke hit me, I could tell he didn’t feel badly about it. There wasn’t an ounce of guilt.
When do children begin to feel guilty for what they’ve done wrong? How do we go about teaching children not to hurt others and to just do what’s right? The first thing to know is that many children choose right from wrong based on age-specific factors.
- Preschoolers may do what’s right to avoid getting into trouble.
- School-aged kids may do what’s right if they believe they will get something good in return.
- Junior high kids may choose what’s right based on what their friends are doing or if there are set rules for the behavior.
We can challenge children of all ages to do what’s right for “right’s sake” by following the suggestions of child psychologist David Cimbora. He believes that following the two-step process helps instill empathy and healthy guilt in children and teaches them to behave in moral ways even when others aren’t looking.
When your child harms others or misbehaves:
- Step 1: Communicate to your child the consequences of his actions.
- Step 2: Help your child acknowledge responsibility.
Example: If your child hits his brother, say:
- Step 1: “Bobby is crying because his arm hurts. His arm hurts because you hit him.”
- Step 2: “Remember how much it hurt when Jenny hit you yesterday? Can you tell me why Bobby’s arm hurts?”
Using this process will increase your child’s ability to feel empathy for others and decrease the likelihood that he will repeat the act. Just make sure you use a gentle but direct approach. Remind your child that harming others or making poor choices has consequences. Follow up with appropriate discipline.
Age-Appropriate Discipline
All parents seek disciplinary techniques that work. However, not all techniques work for all ages or for all children. Use this list as a guide for age-appropriate discipline.
Distraction. Infants (birth to 18 months) typically do not need strong disciplinary measures. When babies “misbehave” they are often exploring and testing their boundaries. Simply directing a baby’s attention elsewhere may solve the problem.
Time-Out. Many parents use time-out for all behaviors all the time. However, for time-out to work, it should be used as one tool in an arsenal of other discipline techniques for ages 2 to 8. Some basic guidelines for time-out include:
- Make it short –– 1 minute for each year of your child’s age.
- Eliminate reinforcers. Your child should not be able to play, watch television, etc.
- Use a timer. Restart the time if your child leaves time-out.
- Use other discipline techniques if time-out does not work.
Removal of privileges. Taking away toys, activities or outings can be an effective way to manage inappropriate behavior for children ages 18 months and older. To make sure this technique works for you:
- Choose a meaningful privilege that your child will greatly miss.
- Follow through on warnings to remove privileges.
- Remove the item for a short amount of time (differs by age –– several hours for a 2-year-old but several days for a 12-year-old).
Natural consequences. Parents do not need to get involved in order for natural consequences to take effect. For example, if your child refuses to eat dinner, instead of developing a power struggle, allow her to go to bed without eating. She will naturally be hungry in the morning and will be certain to eat. (Appropriate for children 2 and older.)
Logical Consequences. This is a punishment that fits the crime. Suppose your child throws a ball in the house and breaks a vase. She could be asked to work off the value of the vase or use her allowance to buy a new one.
Spanking. Spanking typically works best with ages 2 to 6. It should be used only for specific, purposeful misbehavior and should never be done in anger. As with other techniques, spanking should be used as one of many discipline tools.
Track how well your discipline techniques work with an evaluation form.