Preparing for Adoption
The more information a couple has when pursuing adoption, the more prepared they will be for any problems that may surface.
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Adoption, like pregnancy, is filled with both hope and uncertainty, so it is important to be adequately prepared for potential problems and to agree on a comfortable level of medical, financial, legal and emotional risk. The more information you have, the better you can prepare for or avoid some problems altogether. Because laws vary among states, contact your social worker, agency or attorney for current information.
Adoptions can be contested, disrupted (never finalized) or dissolved (terminated). Counseling before placement decreases the risk of disruption, and refusing a risky placement lowers the likelihood of dissolution. Many agencies prefer to place babies in foster care during a contest rather than with an adoptive family. Adoptions from public agencies have low rates of interruption.
Children are rarely coerced, purchased or kidnapped from the birth mother, but it’s possible. Research a foreign nation’s record with adoption before selecting a reputable international agency. Or build a relationship through an open adoption, but be aware that asking the birth mother to reassure you of her decision can be construed as coercion. The position of the adoptive family is to reassure, not be reassured.
Nonpregnant women can deceive hopeful families in order to receive living expenses. Finalize an arrangement in writing with your attorney after verifying the pregnancy, or work with an agency that requires birth mothers to have a physician-signed medical information sheet that is verified by the agency.
You cannot require the birth mother to receive medical care, but you can deny a match at any point, even after birth, if you are uncomfortable with the medical risk. Review the birth mother’s medical history, and request the birth father’s and grandparents’ histories. (But keep in mind that no one’s health is guaranteed.)
A birth mother can change her mind. Papers signed before birth are not legally binding. There is no guarantee of placement until after birth (and in some states, after a waiting period) when both parents sign relinquishments. Even then, some states allow a grace period for “change of heart.” You may choose to adopt from a state in which relinquishments are generally irrevocable or pursue independent or identified adoptions, in which fewer birth mothers change their minds.
A biological father can refuse to relinquish custody, requiring a legal battle to terminate his rights. If he denies paternity, or if the father is unknown, a paternity test and subsequent search are conducted. Although a court can terminate the rights of an unknown father after an unsuccessful search, a biological father could emerge down the road and fight for custody.
There may be hidden costs. When dealing with an agency, find out exactly what your agency fee covers and what additional expenses may be expected. Some states allow for more birth mother living expenses than others, and some women need this assistance more than others. If your birth mother is not insured and does not qualify for public assistance, you may have to pay for her labor, delivery and hospitalization. If you have a custody battle, there may be significant legal fees. Foreign adoptions involve significant legal paperwork. Public agencies have the lowest overall costs, and even those can sometimes be reimbursed.
Adopting a baby will not automatically relieve the grief you experienced during infertility. Allow yourself to grieve before adopting so you do not try to replace your “lost” biological child — placing unrealistic expectations on the adopted child. Make sure you are emotionally healthy and ready to accept the challenges that adoptive families face.
Adoptive families and friends, especially of children adopted beyond toddlerhood, often unfairly expect children to show gratitude for being “rescued” from bad homes or from abortion. But these children were in a situation over which they had no control. If they were removed from an unfit home, they may have severe emotional needs and should not be expected to “give” emotionally for a while. The position of adoptive families is to provide support and reassurance.
Parenting an adopted child is not the same as parenting a biological child. Adoption creates several issues for all parties involved that can be minimized, but not necessarily eliminated, in open adoptions. Do not discourage the expression of grief; do not ignore feelings of rejection; and do not dismiss difficulties with identity, intimacy and personal control.