Adoption: What Helps and What Doesn’t

What hurts adopted children:

• “Do you think you’ll try to find your real mom?”
• “Your parents are saints.”
• “You must be so grateful you were not aborted.”
• When an adoptive mother feels threatened by or has her feelings hurt when the child wants to contact the birth mother
• Telling the child unkind things about the biological father
• Adopting a child internationally without leaving open a legal channel for the child to reconnect with biological parents

What helps adopted children:

• Knowing from the start that they were adopted, from whom and why
• Growing up knowing biological relatives as part of an extended family
• Honesty — adoptive parents who risk their own comfort to answer questions and allow children to explore this area of their lives
• A scrapbook that includes: record of every document, name and date, every scrap of personal history, information about both biological parents, journals, photographs, e-mails, letters and interviews
• When adoptive mothers assist children in contacting the birth mother if the children are interested
• Medical history
• Birth mother sending birthday presents
• Knowing about the country of origin in foreign adoptions, and retaining or being taught a native language
• Keeping in touch with loving foster parents
• Having something personal from the birth mother

What hurts birth mothers:

• “I could never do that” is not a compliment. It sounds like “I would love my baby too much. Obviously you don’t really love yours.”
• “You’ve given us such a wonderful gift.” Children are not gifts, conceived out of love for adoptive parents.
• “This is the best thing for you. Now you can get on with your life.”
• “You’re young. You’ll have more kids some day.”
• Adoptive parents reneging on their written or verbal agreements to send updates, letters, school photos, etc.
• Telling the birth mother only the wonderful side of adoption, leaving her unprepared for the grief
• Assumptions about the birth mother’s character, intentions, family background and future. For most birth mothers, adoption is a responsible way to reconcile a bad situation.
• Friends and family not valuing the child (she won’t be around long anyway, so why should we visit?)

What helps birth mothers:

• Baby clothes for the hospital stay
• Adoptive families representing the birth mother well to the child
• Allowing and sharing the birthmother’s grief
• Reassurance. It doesn’t make it hurt less, but it keeps doubt from interfering.
• Keeping photographs, momentos, etc. A birthmother will never forget her child; why should she try to?
• Follow up from the adoptive family, to confirm that she picked the right family for her baby

What hurts adoptive families:

• “So, did you adopt because you couldn’t have any of your own real children?”
• “Your infertility is a sign that you should not be parents.”
• “If you figure out what you have done wrong, God will heal your barrenness.”
• When friends treat adopted children differently than biological children

What helps adoptive families:

• A baby shower — even for an older child
• Bringing meals, just as friends do after someone gives birth
• The birth mother allowing adoptive families to be a part of her life and the baby’s before birth

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