The New Strong-Willed Child

Who knows what God has in store for your independent youngster? Keep your confidence, and enjoy the journey through these childrearing years.

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by Dr. James Dobson

In 1978, when the first edition of The Strong-Willed Child was published, I had recently made a dramatic career move. I resigned from the faculty of the University of Southern California, School of Medicine, where I had been an associate clinical professor of pediatrics. My decision to leave this rewarding position resulted from an increasing awareness that the institution of the family was rapidly deteriorating — and that I needed to do what I could to help.

One of the first writing projects I tackled after leaving academia was The Strong-Willed Child. As the title indicates, it focused on the basic temperaments of boys and girls, and what influences them. Of particular interest to me is a characteristic I call “the strength of the will.” Some kids seem to be born with an easygoing, compliant nature that makes them a joy to raise. Others seem to be defiant upon exiting the womb and determined to run the world.

The years have passed quickly, and the tough-as-nails kids about whom I was writing are now grown. Most of them now have strong-willed children of their own, which is rather humorous. As kids, they gave their parents fits, but now the chickens have come home to roost.

Their parents, to whom I addressed the original book, are likely to be grandparents now who have probably evolved into permissive pushovers just as my marvelous mom did when we made her a grandmother. And so the cycle of life continues, generation by generation, with each family member playing a pre- arranged part that feels entirely new, but that is actually rooted in antiquity.

It was with a certain relish, therefore, that I began revising and updating completely the original edition. This latest version is called The New Strong-Willed Child. Considerable relevant new research has been done that has led to a better understanding of these independent kids. The need for this information seems even more urgent now. Strong-willed children continue to pose irritating challenges, while many of their parents feel less equipped to handle them than their predecessors were 26 years ago.

That should not surprise us. An army of permissive psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, pediatricians and columnists is responsible for much of this misinformation. The advice these “experts” offer is not only unworkable but also often downright foolish. All that moms and dads need to do, some say simplistically, is to give their kids a lot of space, treat them like adults, and if absolutely necessary, explain why they might want to consider behaving better. How nice it would be if that were true. Unfortunately, this rosy view is cruel nonsense. It leaves parents with the impression that every other mother or father finds it easy to lead children, and those who are having trouble with it are miserable failures. In most cases, it is not fair, and it is not true.

The problem of permissiveness

A current example of permissive approaches to childrearing is referred to as “positive discipline” or the “positive parenting” movement. It sounds good, but it is little more than repackaged permissive claptrap.

Consider the following advice, featured on the Oklahoma State Department of Health’s “Positive Discipline” Web page. It reads, “The goal of discipline is not to control children and make them obey, but to give them skills for making decisions, gradually gaining self-control and being responsible for their own behavior.” Instead of telling a child, “Don’t hit the kitty,” or “Stop kicking the table,” they suggest that parents say, “Touch the kitty gently,” or “Keep your feet on the floor.”

The Web site goes on to assert that “Giving a child choices allows him some appropriate power over his life and encourages decision making.” Parents are advised to “redirect” childish behavior. For example, if a child is throwing a truck around the house, instead of telling him to stop, the site suggests you say to him, “I can’t let you throw your truck, but you may throw the ball outside.” Or if the child is kicking a door, you tell him, “You may not kick the door, but you may kick this ball or plastic milk jug.” The suggestion for dealing with willful defiance is to ignore it or to allow the child to engage in “something pleasant.”

What ridiculous advice that is! Notice how hard the parent is supposed to work to avoid being the leader at home. What’s wrong with explaining to a child exactly what you want him or her to do, and then expecting obedience in return? What’s wrong with a parent insisting when a child engages in destructive or irritating behavior that he immediately cease and desist? What’s wrong with telling the child, “Kitties have feelings, too. You will not hit the kitty”? The answer in each case is, “Nothing!”

In fact, a youngster whose parent has never taken charge firmly is being deprived of a proper understanding of his mom’s or dad’s authority. It also keeps him from comprehending other forms of authority that he will encounter when he leaves the safety of his permissive cocoon.

Sooner or later, that boy or girl is going to bump into a teacher, a police officer, a Marine Corps drill sergeant or an employer who has never heard of “Positive Discipline,” and who will expect orders to be carried out as specified. The child who has heard only “suggestions” for alternative behavior through the years, which he may choose to accept or reject, is not prepared for the real world.

A parent’s woes

As unsuccessful as permissive childrearing is for the strong-willed youngster, it creates just as many problems for the parents. Many parents feel guilt and self-condemnation. They try so hard to be good parents, but the struggle for control that goes on day after day leaves them frustrated and fatigued. No one told them that parenthood would be this difficult, and they blame themselves for the tension.

They planned to be such loving and effective parents, reading stories by the fireplace to their pajama-clad angels, who would then toddle happily off to bed. The difference between life as it is and life as it ought to be is a distressing bit of reality.

I have also found that parents of compliant children don’t understand their friends with defiant youngsters. They intensify guilt and embarrassment by implying, “If you would raise your kids the way I do mine, you wouldn’t be having those awful problems.” Willful children can be difficult to manage, even when parents handle their responsibilities with great skill and dedication.

It may take several years to bring such a youngster to a point of relative obedience and cooperation within the family unit, and indeed, a strong-willed child will be strong-willed all her life. While she can and must be taught to respect authority and live harmoniously with her neighbors, she will always have an assertive temperament. That is not a bad thing. It simply “is.”

It is important that parents not panic. Don’t try to “fix” your tougher boy or girl overnight. Treat that child with sincere love and dignity, but require him or her to follow your leadership. Choose carefully the matters that are worthy of confrontation, then accept her challenge on those issues and win decisively. Reward every positive cooperative gesture she makes by offering your attention, affection and verbal praise.

Loving leadership

The bottom line for the parents of assertive, independent children is to establish their positions as strong but loving leaders when Junior and Missy are in the preschool years. This is the first step toward helping them learn to control their powerful impulses. Alas, there is no time to lose.

Once a child understands who is in charge, he or she can be held accountable for behaving in a respectful manner. In a moment of rebellion, a little child will consider his parents’ wishes and defiantly disobey. Like a military general before a battle, he will calculate the potential risk, marshal his forces and attack the enemy with guns blazing. When that nose-to-nose confrontation occurs between generations, it is extremely important for the adult to win decisively and confidently. The child has made it clear that he’s looking for a fight, and his parents would be wise not to disappoint him!

Nothing is more destructive to parental leadership than for a mother or father to equivocate during that struggle. When the parent consistently loses those battles, resorting to tears or screaming and other evidence of frustration, some dramatic changes take place in the way they are “seen” by their children. Instead of being secure and confident leaders, they become spineless jellyfish who are unworthy of respect or allegiance.

In conclusion, let me offer another word of advice about how not to approach a strong-willed child. Harshness, gruffness and sternness are not effective in shaping a child’s will. Likewise, constant whacking, threatening and criticizing are destructive and counterproductive. A parent who is mean and angry most of the time is storing up resentment that will come roaring into the relationship during adolescence or beyond.

Therefore, every opportunity should be taken to keep the tenor of the home pleasant, fun and accepting of one another. At the same time, parents should display confident firmness in their demeanor. You, Mom and Dad, are the boss. If you believe it, the tougher child will accept it.

Some of the world’s greatest leaders and most productive adults were strong-willed kids. One of them was former President Franklin Roosevelt. When he was a boy, he once strung a string across the top of the stairs where it could not be seen. Predictably, his nurse came along carrying a supper tray and tripped, making what must have been a spectacular plunge downward. The record does not reveal what punishment Franklin received for this wicked trick. We are told, however, that he was very bossy with his peers and that he liked to win at everything. When he was once scolded for the way he treated other children, he said, “Mummie, if I didn’t give the orders, nothing would happen.” That is a strong-willed child.

Who knows what God has in store for your independent youngster? Keep your confidence, and enjoy the journey through these childrearing years.

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