Stemming the Tide of Peer Pressure
Parents are the key in stabilizing that rocky road for our adolescent at home.
Articles within this series
- Overview
- The Agony of Inferiority
- Stemming the Tide of Peer Pressure
- A Case Study on Peer Pressure
- Adolescent Rebellion
- Next Steps / Related Information
Build a relationship with your tween/teen. Create a sense of belonging and an identity for him, and he will have the confidence to resist peer pressure.
Where many of us run the risk as parents, especially Christian parents, is bringing up our kids with just a set of rules. Josh McDowell says, “Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”
When we become controlling, authoritarian parents, we suffocate our children and cause them to resent us. The jaws of the peer group are just waiting for a kid who is easily controlled. So our job is not to create a controllable kid who will be devoured by his peers. When a tween/teen does not have something positive to identify with and has no say so over his life, he is more likely to grow up with a nagging feeling that he needs to “find himself.” These adolescents — when they grow up and have families of their own — are more prone to leaving their spouse and kids in a pursuit to finally “find themselves.” They end up chasing rainbows that don’t even exist.
One of the ways we can build relationship with our tween/teen and help him resist peer pressure is to make sure he is a contributing member of the family. Ask yourself: What does my teen do on a daily basis? What does he give back to the family? Am I running a hotel or a home? Is my job to keep him happy at all times?
We want to have a household where every family member produces. It’s not our job to plow the roads of life for our tween/teen and make sure he’s ecstatic at every turn. Instead, we want to create windows of opportunities for our teenager so he feels he is a contributing member to a healthy family unit.
One favor we can do our children is to release them from all the activities we have them involved in. We can let our children choose one activity per semester. Driving to three or four practices/meets per week per child quickly eliminates any chance of having quality and quantity time together as a family.
Remember:
- Expect the best. Most of us don’t expect the best of our kids. In a way, we tell our kids that we expect them to goof up. One way or another we find a way to broadcast that negative commercial. But having positive expectations and saying to your child “Hey, you’ve got a good brain in your head; use it” is actually a healthy way to respond as a parent. You’re saying, “Hey, I think you will make wise choices.”
- Build relationship and create positive identify. When your teen knows he is accepted and is contributing to a worthwhile family unit, he will feel less of a need to give in to peer pressure so he can “belong.” He will already have that sense of belonging at home where he doesn’t have to compromise his values.
How to Avoid an Identity Crisis
One morning I walk down the stairs and I hear my 14-year-old daughter, Holly, talking to herself. She’s looking in the mirror, doing her hair.
This is just too good to be true, I think.
I sneak up on her like an alley cat on a sparrow. I’m watching her, and she’s still talking to herself. All of a sudden she sees me in the mirror and freezes. Our eyes meet and she says, “You are so strange.”
“I’m strange? Right. You’ve got that right, Holly.”
Believe it or not, as out of it as we parents are, as weird as we are, we are the key in stabilizing that rocky road for our adolescent at home. We do make a difference — a big difference.
One way we can come alongside our teens on their journey is to help them develop competence in a particular area. For some kids that’s being in 4-H or playing in the band or running track. As our teens find a positive area to identify with in life, they start to feel competent and successful.
We as parents have a lot more power in our kids’ lives than we give ourselves credit for. That’s why it’s crucial that we not only help our kids find an area of competence, but that we also make sure they feel like they have a place of identity within the family. There’s all kinds of connections we can make with our kids — and need to make for their well being.
For example, when a son believes his mother dislikes him and feels out of place in the family, studies show that he’s more likely to become peer dependent. And the one thing you don’t want your son to be is peer dependent. On a positive note, when a daughter feels like she belongs in her family and receives healthy affection from her dad, she is the least likely person to try to prove something sexual to her adolescent boyfriend.
When children feel like they have an identity in the family — and a positive area to identify with at a job or at school — they have no reason whatsoever to engage in any advert behavior. Teenagers want us involved in their lives, even if they don’t even act like it.