Adolescent Rebellion
Your availability right now could make the difference for your child.
Articles within this series
Teen Rebellion
What if your teen’s attitude goes from bad to worse in a matter of months? Rebellion is often hormonally driven and occurs in the best of families. When hostility begins to appear, how do you keep your sons and daughters from blowing up and doing something stupid? The National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health surveyed 11,572 teenagers to determine which factors were most helpful in preventing harmful behavior, such as violence, suicide, substance abuse, early sexual behavior and teen pregnancy. Here’s what the researchers found: The presence of parents is beneficial at four key times of the day — early morning, after school, dinnertime and bedtime.
When that regular contact is combined with other shared activities between parents and kids, the most positive outcome is achieved. The researchers also observed that adolescents who felt a sense of connection with their parents (feelings of warmth, love and caring) were least likely to engage in harmful behavior.
You might be asking: “How can I be with my teenagers morning, noon and night? I have too much work to do.” You simply have to decide what is most important to you at this time. It won’t matter as much a few years down the road, but your availability right now could make the difference for your child between surviving or plunging off the cliff.
My father and mother were faced with the same difficult choice when I was 16 years old. Dad was an evangelist who was gone most of the time, while my mother was home with me. During the adolescent years, I began to get testy with my mother. I never went into total rebellion, but I was definitely flirting with the possibility. I’ll never forget the night my mom called my dad on the phone. I was listening as she said, “I need you.” To my surprise, my dad immediately cancelled a four-year slate of meetings, sold our home and moved 700 miles south to take a pastorate so he could be with me until I finished high school.
It was an enormous sacrifice for him to make. He never fully recovered professionally from it. But he and Mom felt my welfare was more important than their immediate responsibilities. Dad was home with me during those two volatile years when I could have gotten into serious trouble. When I speak with reverence about my parents today, as I often do, one of the reasons is because they gave priority to me when I was sliding close to the brink.
You may not be called upon to make such a radical change in your lifestyle. But if you are, the investment in your teen’s life is worth it. We can’t put a price tag on our child’s life.
Family Mealtimes Decrease Teen Rebellion
Dr. Blake Bowden of the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Center, along with his colleagues, surveyed 527 teenagers to learn what family and lifestyle characteristics were related to mental health and adjustment. What they observed is that adolescents whose parents ate dinner with them five times per week or more were the least likely to be on drugs, to be depressed or to be in trouble with the law.
They were also more likely to be doing well in school and to be surrounded by a supportive circle of friends. The benefit was seen even for families that didn’t eat together at home. Those who met at fast-food restaurants had the same result. By contrast, the more poorly adjusted teens had parents who ate with them only three evenings per week or less.
Parental involvement is the key to getting kids through the storms of adolescence.
And here’s another investigation geared to younger children. Dr. Catherine Snow, professor of education at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, followed 65 families over an eight-year period. She found that dinnertime was of more value to child development than playtime, school and story time. Clearly, there is power in “breaking bread” together.
What do these findings mean? Is there something magical about sitting down together over a meal? No, and those parents who believe as much are in for a disappointment. What Bowden’s study shows is that family relationships are what matter to adolescents. When parents have time for their kids, when they get together almost every day for conversation and interaction — in this case, while eating — their teens do much better in school and in life. Bottom line? Families bring stability and mental health to children and teens.
With such strong evidence in support of family meals, it’s unfortunate that only one-third of U.S. families eat dinner together most nights. The hectic world in which we live has pressed in on all sides and has caused us to eat on the run. Some people “dine” more often in their cars or offices than they do at home, stuffing down a burrito or a hamburger while driving.
Fortunately, it is possible for us to change this trend. With determination and planning, we should be able to intersect each others’ worlds at least once every day or two. The most important ingredient is not what’s on the table — we can serve a home-cooked meal or call for a pasta delivery. What does make a difference is that we regularly set aside time to sit down and talk together.
Eating can also provide the centerpiece for family traditions, which give identity and belonging to each member. To cite our own circumstances again, we have designated foods for every holiday. It’s turkey on Thanksgiving and Christmas, red beans and ham on New Year’s Day, baked ham on Easter, barbecued hamburgers (made of turkey) on the Fourth of July, and Chinese food on Christmas Eve (don’t ask me why). There are many dimensions to the various traditions, which go far beyond the choice of foods. Each of us looks forward to those occasions, which are always filled with laughter, spontaneity and meaning. Children love these kinds of recurring activities that bond them to their parents.
Finally, family mealtimes continue to be great settings in which to impart the truths of our faith. As the blessings of the day are recounted, children see evidence of God’s loving, faithful care and the importance of honoring Him with a time of thanks. In our family, we never eat a meal without pausing first to express gratitude to the One who provides us with “every good and perfect gift” (James 1:17). I believe children of Christian parents should be taught to “say grace” every time meals are partaken. Parents can also use that talking time to discuss biblical principles at the table and apply them to personal circumstances. Jesus used the time of fellowship created around meals to present many of His teachings. Acts 2:46-47 gives us a glimpse of how significant the sharing of a meal was to the early church by describing how believers “broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God.”
The more your adolescent children feel part of something loving and fun, the less they will need to rebel against it. That’s not a promise, just a probability.
Excerpted by permission from Bringing Up Boys (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 2001).