Challenges in the Teen Years
Disciplining a Teenager
Q. You have said that you do not favor spanking a teenager. What would you do to encourage the cooperation of my 13-year-old, who deliberately makes a nuisance of himself? He throws his clothes around, refuses to help out with any routine tasks in the house, and pesters his little brother incessantly. If I can’t spank him, how can I get his attention?
A. If any approach will succeed in charging his sluggish batteries or motivating him to live within the rules, it will probably involve an incentive-and-disincentive program of some variety. The following three steps might be helpful in initiating such a system:
Decide what is important to the youngster for use as a motivator. Two hours with the family car on date night is worth the world to a 16-year-old who has just gotten his license. (This could be the most expensive incentive in history if the young driver is a bit shaky behind the wheel.) An allowance is another easily available source of inspiration. Teenagers have a great need for cold cash today. A routine date might cost twenty dollars or more — in some cases far more.
Yet another incentive may involve a fashionable article of clothing that would not ordinarily be within your teen’s budget. Offering her a means of obtaining such luxuries is a happy alternative to the whining, crying, begging, complaining and pestering that might occur otherwise. Mom says, “Sure you can have the ski sweater, but you’ll have to earn it.” Once an acceptable motivator is agreed upon, the second step can be implemented.
Formalize the agreement. A contract is an excellent means of settling on a common goal. Once an agreement has been written, it is signed by the parent and teen. The contract may include a point system that enables your teenager to meet the goal in a reasonable time period. If you can’t agree on the point values, you could allow for binding arbitration from an outside party.
Let’s examine a sample agreement in which Marshall wants a CD player, but his birthday is ten months away, and he’s flat broke. The cost of the player is approximately $150. His father agrees to buy the device if Marshall earns 10,000 points over the next 6 to 10 weeks doing various tasks. Many of these opportunities are outlined in advance, but the list can be lengthened as other possibilities become apparent:
- For making bed and straightening room each morning: 50 points
- For each hour of studying: 150 points
- For each hour of housecleaning or yard work done: 300 points
- For being on time to breakfast and dinner: 40 points
- For baby-sitting siblings (without conflict) per hour: 150 points
- For washing the car each week: 250 points
- For arising by 8 on Saturday mornings: 100 points
While the principles are almost universally effective, the method of application must be varied. With a little imagination, you can create a list of chores and point values that work in your family. It’s important to note that points can be gained for cooperation and lost for resistance. Disagreeable and unreasonable behavior can be penalized 50 points or more. (However, penalties must be imposed fairly and rarely or the entire system will crumble.) Also, bonus points can be awarded for behavior that is particularly commendable.
Finally, establish a method to provide immediate rewards. Remember that prompt reinforcement achieves the best results. This is necessary to sustain teens’ interest as they move toward the ultimate goal. A thermometer-type chart can be constructed, with the point scale listed down the side. At the top is the 10,000-points mark, beside a picture of a CD player or other prize.
Each evening, the daily points are totaled and the red portion of the thermometer is extended upward. Steady, short-term progress might earn Marshall a bonus of some sort — perhaps a CD of his favorite musician or a special privilege. If he changes his mind about what he wishes to buy, the points can be diverted to another purchase.
For example, 5,000 points is 50 percent of 10,000 and would be worth $75 toward another purchase. However, do not give your child the reward if he does not earn it. That would eliminate future uses of reinforcement. Likewise, do not deny or postpone the goal once it is earned.
This system is not set in concrete. It should be adapted to the age and maturity of the adolescent. One youngster would be insulted by an approach that would thrill another. Use your imagination and work out the details with your youngster. This suggestion won’t work with every teenager, but some will find it exciting. Lots of luck to you.