Motherhood Guilt
Article Overview
Articles within this series
I knew after a particular speaking session in 2004 what the opening salvo of this book needed to be.
The occasion was a MOPs (Mothers of Preschoolers) meeting. I had spoken on the topic of motherhood and anger with just a smidgeon of thought about guilt added in, before the women broke off into pint size discussion groups. Watching them cluster together, I glanced down and considered the discussion questions I had suggested:
- Do you ever find yourself looking to an author, teacher, or speaker for an ever-elusive final answer to your mothering problems?
- Have you ever believed (or do you believe today) that good moms simply do not have (or discuss) certain feelings and situations?
- Does regret and guilt take up a large or small portion of your thinking as a mom?
Gazing up from my sheet of paper, I began overhearing snippets of conversation from the groups:
“I rarely feel absolutely sure about what I’m doing as a mom.”
“You mean it’s possible to be a mom and not feel guilt?”
“My daughter is three years old, and I seriously think I’ve ruined her for life.”
Ack! At this point I shouted for attention and changed the discussion rules all together.
“Okay, ladies, we’re going to have a slight change of plans here. Instead of discussing the three questions on the paper I gave you, I want you to turn the sheet over instead and answer one question only: “What isn’t on your guilt list regarding mothering?’”
Well, you’d have thought I’d asked for nominations for the ugliest baby contest!
Absolute silence ruled in that small, basement room.
No one spoke.
No one wrote down a thought.
No one moved.
You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought. These women can’t think of anything they’ve done right as a mother. How sad is that?
I gently prodded; asking the MOPS to recall times spent with their children or to think back to the day before or even that morning and share at least one guilt-free moment of joy, laughter, confidence, and grace. And still we waited…until at last one brave soul volunteered, “Well, I don’t feel guilty for giving my two-year old son lots of hugs and kisses. Is that what you mean by something not being on my guilt list?”1
Yes! That was exactly what I meant—bingo!
In all likelihood many of you reading this article series are dealing with a substantial amount of guilt. (I’m a genius—no?) I also know it’s very likely—quite likely in fact, you believe yourself to be the worst mother on the face of the planet. And given the guilt-laden thoughts running through your mind, it’s not surprising.
So, before you consider the why and what-for's of guilt; before relaying a hundred, a thousand, maybe ten thousand specific examples of what you’ve done wrong and why you feel lousy; you’re going to create a list of what you’ve done right.
(And all the mothers stared at the screen and asked, “Is this woman crazy?”)
Crazy like a guilt-free fox, perhaps.
Look, I know what it’s like to get stranded on a mountainous Guiltmore National Park peak (more on this in article two.) I know what it’s like to wake up feeling guilty for something you dreamed about your kids. I know what it’s like to regret ever deciding to be a mom—feeling like you’re doing such a lousy job at it.
I know.
But, I also know now that I didn’t do everything wrong then. And neither are you for that matter. For the next few moments I want you to consider this inexplicable reality; you haven’t done everything wrong. You’ve taken many actions that are not only harmless but actually wonderful and wise. In fact, you have innumerable memories squirreled away in the quagmire of your maternal mind that are full of light and life and that are indictors of a mothering life well considered.
So here we go—say them aloud or write them on a piece of paper—answer this one question: what isn’t on your guilt list—i.e. what have you done right as a mom? Nothing is off limits mentioning. Nothing is too simple or too sappy. Start with the easy stuff…here’s a couple of mine:
- I don’t feel guilty for picking up my babies every time they cried
- I don’t feel guilty for baking chocolate-chip cookies nearly once a week for the past 17 years
- I don’t feel guilty admitting I hate to play board games
See? Easy. Nothing earth shaking. Just simple, real, guilt-free realities of my simple, real life.
Now it’s your turn. I encourage you to make a list such as the one I began. It feels wonderful and manages to silence, if only briefly, the clanging refrains of shoulda, coulda, and woulda that ring in the guilt laden air around most mothers. Make a list (and really do it or I’ll make you feel guilty about it in the next article!) and be prepared to give an answer to anyone who ever asks, “What don’t you feel guilty about as a mom?”
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