True or False Guilt?
Feeling guilty doesn't always mean that you are. How can a mother know the difference?
Articles within this series
One of the first things I like to do when attempting to understand a word or concept is to refer to the tried-and-true resource of Webster’s Comprehensive Dictionary.
So let’s start there.
I’m thumbing through my trusty home dictionary, and this is what I read in reference to guilt:
The state of one who, by violation of law, has made himself liable to or deserving punishment; culpability.
Wrongdoing; wickedness. See synonyms under sin.
Whoa. There’s some strong wording: wrongdoing, wickedness. Sin? So I decide to look up the same word on my computer at Merriam-Webster OnLine, and here’s what I read:
the fact of having committed a breach of conduct especially violating law and involving a penalty; broadly :guilty conduct
a : the state of one who has committed an offense especially consciously b : feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of in-adequacy : SELF-REPROACH
: a feeling of culpability for offenses.
As you can see, there is plenty of room for discussion regarding the type of guilt you and I are dealing with as mothers. Some guilt is a fact—actual wrongdoing or even sin. Some guilt is a feeling—which might not involve actual wrongdoing at all. But here’s the kicker for me—and hopefully a nice truth opener for you when it comes to defining your guilt—read again the following definition: feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy.
Is it just me or does it seem as though 99.9 percent of the items and details on my guilt list (don’t forget to have yours nearby to look at as you’re reading) meets this definition! Time and time again, I have been a mother held hostage by feelings of culpability for imagined offenses and by my own sense of inadequacy! There are very few examples on the partial list you read (or the long list I have hidden away somewhere) that qualify under the first Webster’s definition of wrongdoing, wickedness, or—gulp—sin.
Take a look at your list.
Read them aloud.
And consider the possibility that your guilt over real sin and real wrongdoings as a mother may be hopelessly mixed up with guilt for imagined offenses.
Let me see if I can help make this as clear as possible.
I felt extremely guilty and inadequate for leaving potentially poisonous cough medicine open and within my daughter’s reach. I did not, however, do it out of some wicked choice to harm my daughter. (See? Feelings of guilt based on a sense of inadequacy.)
I felt guilty for not serving enough vegetables to my family. I felt my not doing so may have contributed to Patrick’s health problems (culpability) and I felt like an inadequate mother. I did not, however, commit a sin. (Although some of you reading this may disagree.)
Are you beginning to get my point here? Are you beginning to see that not all guilt is true guilt? Some of the things weighing your heart and soul down are anything but true. They are false, but how do you know the difference?
I believe I heard one of the best descriptions for the difference during the summer of 2004, while working with author, speaker, and radio host, Mary Whelchel, at a women’s conference. While listening to her morning keynote message she instructed her audience how they could tell the difference between true guilt and false guilt. Her words were succinct, easy to understand and oh, so applicable to the varying minutiae of guilt we all deal with as women and as mothers.
“True guilt is specific. You know why you’re feeling guilty and what you’re supposed to do about it. False guilt is a vague cloudy feeling, one that’s tough to nail down. It says, “I’m not right. I’m not what I should be.”
Now that’s a description I can get my mind around! It’s also where I want you to begin as you encounter the multitude of guilts that clutter Guiltmore’s many trails. Right now, in fact. Grab your guilt list and pick the one guilt that most often enters your mind, keeps you tied up in knots and rings in your ear.
Got it?
Good.
Now, let’s ask one question and apply it to that one specific guilt. Here goes: Do I know why I feel guilty for this particular thing, and do I know what I’m supposed to do about it?
If you answered yes, then you are dealing with true guilt. You can actively pursue the “supposed to do about it” part and move away from its power to weigh you down as a mother. I want you to do this with each and every guilt on your list. It doesn’t matter if there are three (oh, who am I kidding? None of you will only have three listed) or three thousand—list each one and ask the question.
However, if upon closer examination of a specific guilt you are unable to nail down why you’re feeling guilty and you don’t really know what you can do or should do about it, then in all likelihood, you are dealing with false guilt—which needs to be treated in an entirely different way.