Getting Rid of Guilt

False guilt is made up of all those vague, cloudy, “I’m not exactly sure how I messed up but I know I feel like I did something wrong or didn’t do something right” feelings that gnaw away at your confidence and chip away your faith in your mothering instincts and decisions.

False guilt is just that—false.

It is an error in truth—the guilt you feel when you haven’t done anything wrong. And because your guilt feelings aren’t based on any kind of actual wrongdoing, nothing you do to address your guilt and find a remedy will work.

Instead, this is a guilt you just need to say "no" to. Remember? Right now you can choose to simply leave your false guilt behind. Now if you find it difficult to tell the difference, asking yourself the following questions may help:

• Did I really do something wrong? (Just being in the wrong place at the wrong time doesn’t count.)

• Under the circumstances (given what I knew and who I was), could I really have acted differently?

• Who says I shoulda-coulda-woulda done otherwise? (Just because your mother said you should—or your neighbor or even your pastor—that doesn’t necessarily mean you shoulda-coulda-woulda. That’s really a matter for God and your own conscience.)

• Am I confusing feeling of shame (“I’m unworthy as a person), grief (“I’m very sad or depressed this happened”), fear (“What if this causes something awful to happen”), embarrassment (“I can’t believe I let that happen!”) or just uneasy feelings with an actual state of guilt.

• Is this a control issue—am I assuming responsibility for something that I really can’t control and have no business trying?Is this issue actually worth worrying about? (Sometimes even true guilt can be so trivial and unimportant in the big scheme of things that it’s practically the same as false guilt.)1

Here’s an example of putting the above in action—we’ll apply the above principals to two previously guilty matters in my life as a mom.

First guilt: Not building a wooden fort/playhouse for my boys.

Okay, let’s apply some questions: did I really do something wrong? Uh, no. Under the circumstances could I have really acted differently? No again, as we did not have the money to build one. Am I confusing feelings of….shame? Well, in a sense, yes. I was ashamed we didn’t have the money to build one and ashamed we were the only family in the neighborhood without one. (I might need to add jealousy to my list, unfortunately. And last but not least, is this issue worth worrying about? No!

Second guilt: Yelling (really yelling) at my children when I was angry.

Apply the questions: did I really do something wrong? Yes, most definitely yes.

Do I know what I’m supposed to do about it? Yes, stop yelling when I am angry and feel out of control. And I stop there, because I know this is true guilt that needs to be dealt with. Let me encourage you to do the following if you find yourself looking at a very real guilt.

1. Acknowledge your guilt—to God and to yourself. Fill in this statement: I am guilty of ___________________. Or speak your admission aloud so you can hear yourself say it. The key thing is to own up to the truth of your true guilt.

2. Confess your guilt—to God, to yourself, and perhaps to another person. Perhaps you can say something similar to this:

   Right here, right now, I want to confess to You, god, as well as to myself that I am guilty of ______________________.

3. Once you’ve confessed, the next step is to ask forgiveness—the divine forgiveness God offers as well as the ability to forgive yourself for what you said, did, thought, or believed. Again, putting it in to words is important. It can be as simple as this:

   God, I know I have done wrong, and right now I am asking for Your forgiveness. Clean my heart, my mind, my soul, and my memories from any and all guilt. Forgive me as only You can forgive, God, and help me let go of the guilt I often use against myself when thinking of this wrong.

4. Choose to say no to the false guilt (you’ve been forgiven, remember?) when it beckons again. As soon as this happens, I want you to SHOUT out the truth! Instead of meandering down a guilt trail cordoned off by forgiveness, speak this truth instead (and yes, say it aloud!):

   I will not feel guilty for ____________________anymore. I have confessed my guilt. I have asked for and received forgiveness for my guilt, and I am purposefully choosing to believe the truth that it is all behind me now.2

Feels good, uh? Keep these prayers and questions close as you stay out of Mt. Guiltmore’s shadow and enter the land of grace!

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