Parenting for Academic Success

Practical Ways to Show Acceptance

It's important to create an environment at home in which children feel accepted. Accepting parents are moms and dads who:

1. Show affection. Children who describe their parents as accepting say they are affectionate. Physical touch, meaningful affirmations and genuine emotional connection communicate affection. At the end of the day, choose one quality of your child that you especially appreciate. Make sure that quality doesn't have to do with performance but about the essence of who your child is. Then, tell him or her!

2. Offer affirmation. Children who describe their parents as accepting feel affirmed by their parents. Be liberal in praise! Catch your child doing something right. Take time with the affirmation to really explain the compliment. Instead of saying "I appreciate your hard work in school," say "I appreciate that at the end of a long day, you find the commitment to do your best on your homework. That tells me that school really is a high priority, that you respect me for valuing school for you!"

3. Are there. Children who describe their parents as accepting describe them as being there. These students say they can turn to their parents when they have problems, that their parents encourage them. Carve out times each week when your questions about school go beyond the typical, "How was school?" Ask more specific questions like:

   • "What was your biggest challenge today?"
   • "What problem are you having a hard time solving?"

   • "Is there anyone you feel afraid of? Or mad at? Or frustrated by? Why? Let's talk about it."

4. Enjoy their child. Accepted children know that their parents genuinely enjoy them and choose to spend time with them. The children know that their parents look forward to the time they spend with their children. The temptation is to backload or frontload this time in vacations — either always be looking forward to the vacation you'll have together, or thinking that the time you had last vacation suffices. Children need to feel your enjoyment every day, especially in the midst of the hectic, day-to-day activities. Look your child in the eye and say, "I like being with you!"

5. Offer guidance and assistance. Children who describe their parents as accepting view their parents as the experts in their life. So they go to their parents for advice, guidance, and assistance. The door is always open for these kids to come to their parents for real help. Help your child set short and long-term goals, discuss them often, and solve the problems that come up. Acceptance is a great thing … and it contributes to your child's emotional health. And, by the way, acceptance makes your son or daughter more successful as a student.

Practical Ways to Build Firmness

Parents who relate to their children with a healthy degree of firmness:

1. Clearly articulate rules. Children who describe their parents as firm say they understand the rules of the family. The rules clearly support what the family values. Have a discussion with the family, asking "What do you think are our family rules?" Then compare that to what you thought were your family rules. And of course, adjust the perceptions and start communicating about your family rules in positive and consistent ways.

2. Consistently enforce consequences. Children who describe their parents as firm know that there are consistent consequences for breaking or disregarding the rules of the family. Make sure the consequences are comparable to the infraction, and also take time to explain why adhering to the family rule is important — for the sake of the individual who broke or disregarded the rule as well as for the sake of the family.

3. Establish and maintain high expectations for maturity and responsibility. Children who describe their parents as firm are challenged to act and make decisions with maturity and responsibility. The goal is to grow up, not to stay out of trouble, or to do what you're told, or even to get good grades. The goal is maturity and responsibility — to raise children who contribute to their family and community. Lead a discussion with your family by asking "What do you think is the goal of your schooling?" Wrong answers include "to get a high school diploma or college degree," or "to get a job," or "to pass my classes." The right answer? To become mature and responsible adults who contribute to family, community and society.

Firmness is a great thing … and it contributes to your child's emotional health. And, by the way, makes your son or daughter more successful as a student.

Practical Ways to Affirm Autonomy

Parents who affirm their child's autonomy:

1. Tolerate and encourage individuality. Children who describe their parents as affirming their autonomy know that their parents value their individuality. As a parent, sometimes that means tolerating your child's individuality. Whatever the case, learn ways to encourage your children as they discover who they uniquely are.

2. Ask for and value a child's opinion. Children who describe their parents as affirming their autonomy know that their opinion counts. Roundtable discussions, problem solving and brainstorming are just three activities that you can do as a family. Through these kinds of practical activities, you communicate respect for your child's opinion.

3. Encourage the child to express himself. Children who describe their parents as affirming their autonomy feel free to express themselves. Expression includes words, facial expressions, certain activities and other forms of personal expression. When your child expresses himself, take a minute to say, "Thank you for sharing that! I know that comes from a deep down place of who you really are!"

Affirming autonomy in your child is a great thing…and it contributes to your child's emotional health. And, by the way, a healthy amount of autonomy makes your son or daughter more successful as a student.

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