Why Children Need Father-Love and Mother-Love, Part 1
Much of the value mothers and fathers bring to their children is due to the fact that mothers and fathers are different.
Articles within this series
- Overview
- Why Marriage Matters for Children
- Why Children Need Father-Love and Mother-Love, Part 1
- Why Children Need Father-Love and Mother-Love, Part 2
- Are Same-Sex Families Good For Children?
- Next Steps / Related Information
To be concerned with proper child development is to be concerned about making sure that children have daily access to the different and complementary ways mothers and fathers parent.
If Heather is being raised by two mommies and Brandon is being raised by Daddy and his new husband-roommate, Heather and Brandon might have two adults in their lives, but they are being deprived of the benefits found in the unique influences found in a mother and father’s differing parenting styles. Much of the value mothers and fathers bring to their children is due to the fact that mothers and fathers are different. And by cooperating together and complementing each other in their differences, they provide these good things that same-sex caregivers cannot. The important value of these gender-based differences in healthy child-development will be explored here.
The fathering difference is explained by fathering scholar Dr. Kyle Pruett of Yale Medical School in his book Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child. Pruett says dads matter simply because “fathers do not mother.”1Psychology Today explains, “Fatherhood turns out to be a complex and unique phenomenon with huge consequences for the emotional and intellectual growth of children.”2 A father, as a male parent, brings unique contributions to the job of parenting that a mother cannot.
Likewise, a mother, as a female parent, uniquely impacts the life and development of her child, as Dr. Brenda Hunter explains in her book The Power of Mother Love: Transforming Both Mother and Child.3 Erik Erikson explained that father love and mother love are qualitatively different kinds of love. Fathers “love more dangerously” because their love is more “expectant, more instrumental” than a mother’s love.4
The following are some of the most compelling ways mother and father involvement make a positive difference in a child’s life. The first benefit is the difference itself.
“Children need mom's softness as well as dad’s roughhousing.”
Mothers and Fathers Parent Differently
This difference provides an important diversity of experiences for children. Dr. Pruett explains that fathers have a distinct style of communication and interaction with children. Infants, by 8 weeks, can tell the difference between a male or female interacting with them. Stanford psychologist Eleanor Maccoby, in her book The Two Sexes, explains mothers and fathers respond differently to infants. Mothers are more likely to provide warm, nurturing care for a crying infant.5 This diversity in itself provides children with a broader, richer experience of contrasting relational interactions —more so than for children who are raised by only one gender. Whether they realize it or not, children are learning at earliest age, by sheer experience, that men and women are different and have different ways of dealing with life, other adults and their children.
Mothers and Fathers Play Differently
Fathers tend to play with, and mothers tend to care for, children. While both mothers and fathers are physical, fathers are physical in different ways.
Fathers tickle more, they wrestle, and they throw their children in the air. Fathers chase their children, sometimes as playful, scary “monsters.” Fathers are louder at play, while mothers are quieter. Mothers cuddle babies, and fathers bounce them. Fathers roughhouse while mothers are gentle. One study found that 70 percent of father-infant games were more physical and action oriented while only 4 percent of mother-infant play was like this.6 Fathers encourage competition; mothers encourage equity. One style encourages independence while the other encourages security.
This dynamic also exhibits itself in "gay" households. USA Today featured an experimental parenting relationship of four gay adults, two homosexual men and two lesbian women. One of the women is the birth mom, while the men are the biological fathers of the children through artificial insemination.
One of the biological fathers believes the birth mother has a tendency to "pamper" the three-year-old boy "too much." "When he falls down, she wants to rush over and make sure he is OK. I know he will be fine."7
Fathering expert John Snarey explains that children who roughhouse with their fathers learn that biting, kicking and other forms of physical violence are not acceptable. They learn self-control by being told when “enough is enough” and when to “settle down.”8 Girls and boys both learn a healthy balance between timidity and aggression. Children need mom's softness as well as dad’s roughhousing. Both provide security and confidence in their own ways by communicating love and physical intimacy.
Fathers Push Limits; Mothers Encourage Security
Go to any playground and listen to the parents. Who is encouraging their kids to swing or climb just a little higher, ride their bike just a little faster, throw just a little harder? Who is yelling, “slow down, not so high, not so hard!” Of course, fathers encourage children to take chances and push limits and mothers protect and are more cautious. And this difference can cause disagreement between mom and dad on what is best for the child.
But the difference is essential for children. Either of these parenting styles by themselves can be unhealthy. One can tend toward encouraging risk without consideration of consequences. The other tends to avoid risk, which can fail to build independence, confidence and progress. Joined together, they keep each other in balance and help children remain safe while expanding their experiences and confidence.
Mothers and Fathers Communicate Differently
A major study showed that when speaking to children, mothers and fathers are different. Mothers will simplify their words and speak on the child’s level. Men are not as inclined to modify their language for the child.9
Mother’s way facilitates immediate communication. Father’s way challenges the child to expand her vocabulary and linguistic skills, an important building block of academic success.
Father’s talk tends to be more brief, directive, and to the point. It also makes greater use of subtle body language and facial expressions. Mothers tend to be more descriptive, personal and verbally encouraging. Children who do not have daily exposure to both will not learn how to understand and use both styles of conversation as they grow. These boys and girls will be at a disadvantage because they will experience these different ways of communicating in relationships with teachers, bosses and other authority figures.
Mothers and Fathers Discipline Differently
Educational psychologist Carol Gilligan tells us that fathers stress justice, fairness and duty (based on rules), while mothers stress sympathy, care and help (based on relationships). Fathers tend to observe and enforce rules systematically and sternly, which teach children the objectivity and consequences of right and wrong. Mothers tend toward grace and sympathy in the midst of disobedience, which provide a sense of hopefulness. Again, either of these by themselves is not good, but together, they create a healthy, proper balance.